Monday, 24 December 2012

I'd like to apologise ahead of this post.
I'd like to...
This is going to be another language gripe. Hence the non-apology.

A genuine apology to Lily though, for turning part of an email conversation into a blog post.

Today's whine is about the phrase, 'Elephant in the room'.
Although I understand it's meaning and it's origin, I feel that it's far too abstract. Especially to warrant it's current popularity.

An elephant is just a large thing that it would be hard to ignore, in the suggested place. It would be possible to substitute elephant with anything of great size and the phrase would retain just as much relevance.
We may as well be using the phrase, 'Everybody's ignoring the big thing in the room'.
Please refer to some suggestions below;

Everybody's ignoring the buffalo on the barbecue.
Everybody's ignoring the battleship in the duck pond.
Everybody's ignoring the spaceship on the roof
Everybody's ignoring the rocket ship in the garden
Everybody's ignoring the blue whale in the armchair.
The later being my personal favourite.

If you're the sort of person who uses the elephant in the room phrase, I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you to try blue whale in the armchair instead.
I think if we all start using my version, we could ease the elephant out of the room!

Alternatively, I could just be ignoring the blue whale in the armchair, that I'm far too easily aggravated by issues of complete unimportance!

You decide

Monday, 12 November 2012

Untenable

It always amazes me how the use of certain words can become almost fashionable.

Like the overuse of like the word like. Nine times out of ten it's use actually involves using more words than are necessary. Like, why would you do that?!

The one that is currently being used to the point of annoyance (I know it doesn't take much to annoy me!), is the word 'untenable'.
It's a word that's been around for hundreds of years. I'd heard it a handful of times in my life, yet more recently, it seems to get used in a news item every other day.

The occasion that I found most amusing was when the footballer, John Terry was quoted as using it.
This is a man whose level of ignorance, resulted in him being accused of racist name calling, during a football match!
Yet, when faced with the decision of ending his international football career he came up with the word untenable.

Yeah, right!

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Ahhhh Mr Bond....

Although I wouldn't call myself a Bond movie fan, I went to see the new movie, Sky Fall.
Naively, I thought that since the Bourne movies, the makers of Bond would have to step up their game.
Cold-blooded killers in the Bourne movies spend their time trying to kill, or trying not to be killed. Pretty much what you'd expect cold-blooded killers to do.
However, cold-blooded killers in Bond movies (including Bond) seem to want to have a conversation before killing somebody, usually for no apparent reason. Giving their target the opportunity to escape death.
Luckily the cinema was pretty much empty, so nobody had to suffer the sound of me shouting at the screen, 'Just kill him, for fuck sake!'
To make matters worse, the makers of Sky Fall ( a more apt title would have been Dreadful) decided to make the baddie very camp. Javier Bardem is a great actor but he seems to have been hired to do an impression of Larry Grayson. I spent the movie waiting for him to say, 'Shut that door'.

How did Larry Grayson make a living with a catch-phrase like, 'Shut that door'?
What the fuck did that even mean?
I can't remember if he was complaining of a draught, or if he had a fear of somebody funny following him onto the stage!

I've just realised that you'd have to be of a certain vintage to know what the fuck I'm talking about here.
If you're old enough to remember Larry Grayson, just take a look at the advertising campaign for Sky Fall. I saw Javier Bardem's picture on the side of a bus yesterday and I wasn't thinking, there's that evil genius who was trying to take over the World, I was thinking, 'Shut that door'.
Anyway, go and see Sky Fall, it's great!
Whinge over

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Return of Jerry

I seem to have taken more from my own blogs than I probably should.

I found ANOTHER spider in my bath this morning.
However, this time there was no consideration of releasing him into the wild.
I turned on the tap and sent Jerry 2 for the big swim in the sky.
The decision was instant but I was aware that, in my mind I thought, 'he's obviously a stupid spider'.
On the strength of my own blog, that concluded that spiders that get trapped in baths are the least intelligent of the species, I now seem to subconsciously believe that to be true!

Does this make me easily led? Can I be easily led by myself?
How weak willed am I, to have a basic point of view swayed by something I made up myself?

I do realise that I'm putting way too much thought into this. People flush spiders down bath plug-holes every day. And I'm sure that most of those people aren't carrying out self-analyses afterwards.
The only concern that most 'normal' people have is, is the bastard thing dead, as they use the hot tap to wash away the evil spider. Ensuring that, if the spider survives drowning, the boiling water will scaled it's arse to death!

I guess I'm not normal.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

A day in the life of...

I had a hospital appointment this week.
It was just a consultation but following the consultation, I had to go for an MRSA swab test.
This involves a cotton bud up each nostril and to each side of the groin.
I will be having an operation (don't worry, it's a minor one) (I don't know why I'm using parentheses to calm readers concerns. I probably only know one of you personally and I'm sure the rest of you couldn't give a fuck. Rightly so) (Are there any rules on how many times parentheses can be used?) (Have you already lost the thread of this sentence? I know I would have. I'd have to go back and reread pre-parentheses.) (I'm just doing this to be annoying now!) but it's unlikely to take place within the next couple of months.
I'm no doctor but would've thought that the swab test would be a pointless exercise with such a large gap between test and operation.
Anyway...
As the nurse was leading me off to an examination room, the receptionist said to her, "Go on girl, go for it".
I didn't know if this statement was regarding a completely unrelated subject, or in reference to me but my uncertainty was set straight as soon as the door to the examination room was closed behind me, and the nurse said, "I said to Agnes (Name changed to protect the guilty by association) on reception, mmmmm Mr Daniels (Name changed to protect...) is very handsome"
For anybody who's not keeping up, I'm Mr Daniels (Name changed to protect...).
I would imagine that with gender reversal (No, I'm not having a sex change!), this would be exactly the kind of situation that could be intimidating for women.
I'm in a room with a woman who has admitted an attraction and is about to carry out a semi-intimate procedure.
To give her credit, she was going to do a groin swab and could very easily have convinced me that I'd need to be naked below the waist but she didn't.
To cut a long story short (and a bit of an anticlimax for anybody reading this) she was very professional. She was very talkative and it turns out that I know her cousin.
She accompanied me back in to reception and said loudly to the receptionist (and anybody else in earshot), "Mr Daniels was lovely!"
It was an unusual experience and in a strange way, very good for the ego.
I guess she was just an incredible flirt, who's not afraid to bring that part of her character into the workplace.
Who am I to judge?

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Petty

As is my want, I have recently become aggravated by something that is completely unimportant.
I've noticed a lot of people, including myself, using  'meaningless add ons' to the end of their sentences.
A perfectly complete sentence will be extended to include, 'and stuff', 'and thing', or 'or something'
As if things weren't bad enough with, 'You know what I mean?' and 'Ya get me?', we're now blessed with sentences like, 'I've only spent all of my money and stuff, ya get me?'
Short and bitter

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Homage to Jerry

I found a spider in my bath this morning.
I'm sure we've all experienced this at some point.
If you believe the stats that get thrown around, we all have about three hundred spiders crawling in and out of our mouths while we sleep.
The fact that I've found spiders trapped in baths a handful of times in my life makes me think that the spiders that do get trapped, aren't the spider equivalent of Mensa members.

"Hey, you hear what happened to Jerry?"
"No, what's he done now?"
"He got trapped in a bath!"
"I guess it was just a matter of time! Was it one of those that eventually gets a cloth hung over the side so he could escape?"
"No, he's dead!"
"Ouch!"
"Hey, it's a jungle out there"
"Only if you're too stupid to look where you're going. I'll never understand how these idiots manage to die like that. We've got the silk hanging out of our ass! What do they think it's for?"

So basically, if you find a spider in a bath remember, it's probably the spider equivalent of somebody who thinks it's a good idea to retrieve their trapped toast from a toaster, using a fork!

Flying Frigging Ants

Wrote this a few weeks back and just realised that I didn't publish it!
How could I deprive the World of this?!

When I was a kid, we used to get what we called, 'Flying Ant Day'.
I don't know if this is something that is experienced in other countries but it was basically one day every year when swarms of winged ants would take flight and aggravate the fuck out of everybody.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these flying ants are around ten times the size of 'normal' ants.

The reason I bring this up is because today was at least, the second flying ant day of the year.
I can only assume that the changing weather has affected the amount of times that these creatures decide to show themselves.

These poxy ants really don't deserve wings because they don't seem to be able to use them properly. They dive bomb into you as if they can't fucking see you!

I had the pleasure of riding home from work, on my bike this evening.
Forty minutes of these wanky creatures banging off of my head had me cursing all the way.
It's an experience being forced to keep my mouth shut and stopping occasionally to remove ants from my eyes!

What is the deal with this day!?
The only positive thing that I remember about flying ant day was that they made quite an audible pop when you trod on them.

Oh well, we're all Gods creatures!

Monday, 13 August 2012

People

I was riding my bicycle home this evening, when a young couple, without looking, stepped into the road, pushing their baby in a buggy in front of them.
I couldn't help thinking to myself, 'That's exactly how you two had that baby in the first place!'
If I'd crashed into that buggy and killed their baby, it still wouldn't be as big an accident as the two of them conceiving in the first place!

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Olympics

Part of me admires the blind following of National flags during the Olympics.
It's admirable that people who generally have no interest in sport, get so enthusiastic about somebody they'd previously never heard of, winning.
However, it always seems strange to me that the competitor could spend the rest of their career in obscurity!

There's a similar experience with Wimbledon. Millions of people develop an incredible interest in tennis for a fortnight. They'll know the names and results of tennis players who they've never heard of. Yet as soon as that one particular tournament is over, they instantly lose interest.
With the Olympics, it's based purely around nationality.

I have a Facebook account that has pages and pages of minute by minute updates of every minutiae of the Games.
Unfortunately, I'm completely unpatriotic. Therefore, I'm unable to feign interest in something that doesn't interest me, in the name of Britain.
It never ceases to amaze me how Brits can be so interested in rowing, yachting, cycling, shooting and any other event that there's a slight chance that somebody who's born in the same country, has a chance of winning.
Who honestly gives a fuck who wins a shooting competition?! Apparently, all of Britain, if that winner is British!

I realise that it makes me sound like a miserable bastard but I really don't want to know somebody's opinion on a sport, unless they can name the top five players, or even a result prior to the Olympics in that particular sport.

Moan, moan, moan...

Saturday, 21 July 2012

London

Saturday morning in London, and the Sun is out! (Generally, I am guilty overusing exclamation marks but on this occasion, it's completely justified.)
The weather this Summer has been outrageous. I've never experienced the level of rainfall that we've been blessed with.
The Olympic torch begins it's journey across London today.
Marking the start of approximately a month of chaos.
Good old London is inconveniencing the everyday lives of residents for the benefit of visitors from all over the World, who are here to watch sport.
Londoners are experiencing pay freezes and pay cuts, booming inflation and record unemployment.
People are actually refused surgery and drugs because we're told that there isn't enough  money.
Yet, there seems to be unlimited amounts of money available for a sports competition!
We live in a city where many, mainly elderly people face the decision to either 'heat or eat' in the Winter. They actually make the decision to either spend their money on eating something, or use that money to heat their home. They're forced to make that decision, while the lifetime of tax that they've paid, goes toward providing the 'Great' Britain football team £1000.00 a night hotel rooms!
Who looks at these kind of figures and decides that despite the fact that adequate accommodation has been provided on the Olympic site, it's more important to provide luxury accommodation for some sportsmen, than it is to provide life saving medicines for cancer suffers?

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Back to shallow

I think I'll stay away from the personal blogs.
I'm generally quite shallow (lol. Shallow Gawl) and should probably keep things on here the same way.
My poem was written quite a while ago and isn't something that I'm experiencing right now.
Although, I think by publishing it, I've given the impression that it's an emotion that I'm currently going through.
I do have quite a lot of personal stuff going on right now but we all know that it's always best to bury  emotions and get on with life.

I've got a couple of days off of work and am enjoying the lack of structure that my day has had so far.
I tend to spend my leave days catching up with friends but I didn't arrange anything this time around.

This is short and sweet I'm afraid. Nothing worthwhile to write.
So, I'll love ya and leave you.

Till next time...

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Random thoughts

I intended to write some random thoughts but it ended up being a critique of TV shows.
Thus displaying the true depth of my shallow mind.

I will say that both Leverage and Burn Notice, are on the brink of being brilliant but seem to blow it all away by trying to be too cool. LOL.
I just couldn't help myself!

Having watched England predictably build themselves up, before the usual, huge let down, in the European Cup, it's interesting to watch more British people doing exactly the same thing whilst watching Andy Murray at Wimbledon. When will this country learn?

Modern Family is far and away, the best comedy show currently on TV. Pure genius!

I'm dismayed at the popularity of stand-up comedy. Don't get me wrong, good stand-up deserves all the praise it gets. To stand up on a stage and make people laugh, really is a gift.
However, how are people like Andy Parsons and Russell Howard even making a living, never mind selling out huge arenas?!
It seems that if you've appeared on a comedy panel show, thousands of people will pay good money to watch you be unfunny.
I missed my opportunity to use a few stand-up clich├ęs there.
Have you ever noticed how...
What is it about people...
Is it me, or do people...
Maybe I'm too fussy. If other people enjoy this stuff, maybe I'm the problem.
The trouble is, I've seen Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle, Denis Leary, Robert Schimmel, to name too many.

So endeth my random thoughts for today

Still In Love With You

Just a poem.
Sorry, it's one of those that doesn't rhyme.
Always thought that was a bit of a cop out, despite what Susan Harvey, my English teacher used to tell us.

I don't know what it says of me, that I embrace my love for you with the same openness that I embrace the pain of us being apart.
It could be that the power of both emotions prove to my soul that our love was real.

I punish myself by remembering good times.
Words spoken, or moments spent.
Love and complete happiness clearly radiated from your face as you embraced me.
Only muted by the mutual angst each time we parted.

A simple kiss would flood my heart with love.
A love I know you shared as you sank into my arms, with a smile full of contentment.

The unmatched joy of waking beside you, having fallen into sleep with you in my arms.
Waking together with gentle kisses, happy at the thought of spending another day in each others company.

Despite the void between us, memories of tiny actions send me swirling back into your arms.
Raising a begrudging smile to your beautiful face with a simple flick of your frowning brow.
Sending equal pain and joy surging through me as I recall our love

Experiencing my life without you, only makes me yearn for my life with you.
The pain of missing you is as constant as my love for you is eternal.

I'm still in love with you

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Corporate speak

This afternoon I was reading a job description and was left breathless by the complete and utter bullshit that it contained.
There were probably about two lines of useful information, heavily camouflaged beneath nonsense and 'corporate/management speak'
Applying for the job would be akin to completing a cryptic crossword!
It read almost like the result of a schoolboy bet to see how much he could  write, without actually saying anything.
I'm a huge fan of a little 'blue sky thinking' and can often be found 'thinking outside the box'.
I like to do both simultaneously as a, 'belt and braces' solution to most problems.
Despite my vast knowledge of bullshit, even I had never heard of the phrase, 'horizon scanning'!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Apparently, if I was fortunate enough to secure this post, I would be 'horizon scanning' for new ideas, responding to how current policy developments affect the company, liaising with 'policy influencers' from 'think tanks' to community groups, contributing to policy-led research and turning my knowledge into useful policy briefs to inform strategic direction and service area delivery.

If the interview was conducted long these lines, how could I ever keep a straight face?
In fact, fuck this job, I want to be a policy influencer from a think tank to community groups!
I could do it too. I have spent my whole life universally scrutinising the contradictory similarities of  the unorthodox, yet conventional progression of the simplistic complexities of Corporate strategies.


I'm tempted to apply, just for the pleasure of asking why the fuck they feel the need to make up this shit!


Moan, moan, moan...


Wish me luck! 

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Prefacing

I used to have a job dealing directly with the public.
People in this line of work like to say that they're working on the 'Front Line'.
I believe this is a term that management came up with, to make less important people feel more important.
Strictly speaking, it's correct. You're at the front of a service, or company.
Essentially though, you're probably one of the least important people at your place of work.
You're the 'front line' of defence. The infantry, if you like.
Sure, you'd be told how important you are to the service and how much you're appreciated but you're not.
You're purpose is to keep the public away from the important people.
You sieve through all the shit and only let the gold through. The more important people don't want to touch the shit. So, when you come across somebody who is too important to deal with you, you pass that gold to the next person up. And so it goes in business. It's the circle of business life lol.

One of my favourite things when working on the front line was enjoying the way that people preface whatever it was they wanted to say.
I'd often get, "I wonder if you could help me?", which is perfectly acceptable.
I'd say, "morning/afternoon". Never good morning, or good afternoon, cause I didn't want to leave myself open to the question, "What's good about it!".
I'd often get that reply anyway, despite not using the word, 'good'.
Of course, I'd take great joy in pointing out that I didn't say good!

People tend to hear what they like anyway. They assume that I've asked, "Can I help you?", which I never did.
So I'd say, "Morning"
And they would reply, "I hope you can!"
I generally didn't pull people up on that one.

My all time favourite, that still makes me laugh, when I hear it to this day, is the opening line, "What it is, is..."
I could never keep a straight face. What the fuck is that?!
What it is, is!?
It was always a throw-away line to help them launch into whatever it was that was troubling them.
Usually they'd jump into the issue, so I never got the chance to ask, "What is it, it?"

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

I think I've fallen over the answer to my less than prolific blogging.
I believe that I may have a stamina/endurance problem.
Even as a kid, I wasn't very good at running distances. I could run but not for great distances. I could play football or tennis for hours but both of those sports involve moments of rest.
Running non-stop for a distance was too tiring, not to mention boring!
I could've solved this by training but that training would also have been tiring and boring.
Is this the circle of life again?
I hate to use the phrase, 'Catch 22', because I find it's misuse so annoying but I think this may actually be the real thing! I can't run far because I lack the fitness. To obtain the level of fitness required to run far, I need to practice, by running far!
Tell me I'm wrong people. Have I stumbled over a genuine case of catch 22, or not?!
Sorry to labour this point but people really do love to misuse this phrase more than any phrase I've ever heard! To make it worse, when I hear the phrase misused, I can't fight the urge to correct the idiot who used it. I don't know why. I'm usually quite a patient and understanding person. I can listen to people say Pacific instead of specific, all day long, without interrupting with more than a smile.
ANYWAY! I digress.
I lack the discipline to be in a long-term relationship. You can use different words to describe the reasons for this but they can roughly be substituted with stamina and endurance.
I can relate this theory to several aspects of my life but obviously not my sex life (Ladies!). Any comments from anybody who can argue this point will be deleted!
SO...
To get back to the start of this blog, I think my lack of blogging problem could be solved by writing shorter blogs.
Little short spurts (once again, any remarks about my sexual performance will be deleted) of wisdom.
My intention now, is to write little but often.
I lack the imagination and concentration (stamina and endurance) to sustain long and interesting blogs.
To prove my point, I believe this could be the longest blog I've written so far!
Jesus! It's catch 22!

Monday, 4 June 2012

I'm not happy.
If those of you who know me could hold back your cries of, "No shit Sherlock!" for a moment, I'll try to expand. (Ignoring opportunity for fat joke...)
Life has become such a struggle, that there seems little to enjoy.
I'm aware that many people are worse off than I.
I'm also aware that I'm not the only person experiencing this feeling.
Just for the record, telling people who are experiencing something negative that other people are as bad, or worse off, doesn't fucking help!
Having said that, oh well, never mind.
It could be worse!
See what I did there? (sorry!)

Thursday, 31 May 2012

I feel the urge to apologise for my absence but can't do so without feeling like a walking ego!
Who reads this shit anyway?!
I hit a complete blank, which I'm still going through. I can't think of anything worth writing about.
I do realise that Bloggers generally don't worry about whether or not others would be interested in their blog regardless of the quality. The fact that I'm writing this is probably proof that my ego has finally reached proper bloggers size! Yahoooooo!

I'm typing this whilst Frank Skinner Live from the NIA Birmingham is on the TV behind me. He seems to have overcome his obsession with sex. It's a decent stand up show. Not sure why I'm telling you this but it was in my head!

Have I mentioned that I'm 50 this year?
I'm at an age where I can't remember the names of some of my previous lovers.
There are a couple that I've actually given up even trying to remember!
To make matters worse, I was speaking to an ex lover recently and didn't realise that she was an ex lover!
I remember that we had a bit of a fumble around but thought that was the full extent of it. Only for her to mention sexual acts that I have no recollection of. It's hard to bullshit your way out of that!
I felt horrible. I can only imagine how I'd feel if somebody couldn't remember having sex with me. That really would drag my ego back to pre-blogging size.

Frank Skinner has moved into a more sexual part of his show. So I'll have to take back my previous comment.
I don't have anything against comedy based around sex but I feel that Frank Skinner has taken it to an extreme level in the past.

On that note, I'll love you and leave you.
"Cha" soon.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Mid-life crisis

I've recently started buying very loudly coloured underwear.
I've tried different styles and never really been completely satisfied.
'Going commando' really isn't a viable option. All that "Flipping and flopping. My boys need a home!" (Jerry Seinfeld).
I've eventually come around to 'Hipsters' and have to say that I'm happy!
The pair that I'm happiest in are bright pink! I think they look good on me.
Unfortunately, subconsciously, I've concluded that the bright colouring is as important as the fit, in creating the overall effect.
As a result, I've since purchased several pairs of various garish colours.
Bright blue, lime green, orange, purple and even a pair that I can only describe as technicoloured!
Yes, they are my favourite, after the bright pink pair.

As is my want, I've over analysed these actions, and begun to wonder if I'm acting out, as a result of some kind of mid-life crisis.

I can almost hear my late mother, disapprovingly pointing out that most middle age men act out their mid-life crisis' by buying a motorbike, or a Porsche. It's typical of me to act out in such a low rent manner!
Thanks Mum!

I'd like to believe that the mid-life part of this situation is irrelevant.
I've coincidentally stumbled upon an item of clothing that I like, later on in life.
If I'd developed a liking for comfortable shoes, there'd be no issue here.
Yes, I realise that the only issue so far is in my head but once again, irrelevant!

I've now got an urge, as a single man, to warn any woman who may get intimate with me, that they may need to keep their sunglasses on until I'm on my way home!
However, I realise that a statement such as this would just reinforce any insecurities that maybe at the root of this whole blog.
Any woman who's ever been intimate with me can verify that the cut and colour of my underwear is a minor item on the list of things that they need to be concerned with.

Throwaway blog

I'm pretty certain that I'm currently an angrier man than I've ever been in my life.
Is this just a natural progression? A result of becoming older?
Maybe I'm not getting rid of my anger on a daily basis and as a result, carrying it over to the next day.
Each day I'm carrying forward more and more anger, leaving me to be, in the words of Quentin Tarantino, 'A mushroom cloud laying motherfucker!'
Other people have to shoulder a large part of the responsibility. People are getting more and more annoying.
A good friend of mine often says, 'you know what G? People are cunts' and he's right.
It makes sense really. You take a lot less than 1% of people that you meet as friends. You can't get along with everybody!
Then again, that doesn't mean that all of the people that you don't click with are annoying! So where are all of these annoying bastards coming from?
Having said said, I've been struggling so much to think of things to write on here, that I'm finding myself to be the most annoying bastard of all!
Does it show?

Saturday, 17 March 2012

British shame

More than 55% of young black men in the UK are unemployed!
This has been a minor news item for the last couple of weeks.
What amazes me, is that it's never shown as the most important item of news.
I live in a country that is willing to just pass off this information as another statistic.
Even though 55% is only slightly more than half, it equates to MOST 16 to 24 year old black men in Britain are out of work!
How can this not be the most important item of news?
MPs should be discussing this as their first priority, every day until they come up with a solution.
Even more frightening is the fact that this figure is almost double what it was just three years ago!
What kind of feeling do MPs think this information inspires in black boys who are still in education?
What does the future hold for them, if this isn't turned around?
Put yourself in their position. You're one of ten boys in school. You're all good friends, about to take your GCSE's, in the knowledge that regardless of how well you perform, roughly, only four of you will be able to find work when you leave school. If you're lucky enough to be one of those four, six of your friends will be forced to sign on.
While Cameron was pretending to be best friends with Barack Obama this week, do you think one of their friendly little chats would have been Dave saying to Barack, "You know what's funny Barack? If you lived in my country, statistically, you wouldn't even be able to get a job"!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

"O"

ORAL SEX!

No, that's not a shock headline to grab your attention, I'm honestly going to talk about oral sex.

I think that people, both male and female are reluctant to criticise anybody who makes the effort sexually to please them orally.

I figure that we're all just so happy for somebody to take the time and effort to 'play our love flute', or 'eat our love bun', that regardless of how good the experience was, we allow that person to believe that they're good at what they've done!

Personally, I've NEVER met a woman, who didn't believe that they were, "good at it".
Similarly, women who I've spoken to, have the same experience.

With the exception or people who don't really enjoy oral sex, everybody is apparently a great oral lover!
People who don't really enjoy oral sex, will often freely offer up the information that they're 'not very good at it'.
Maybe they're hoping that this statement will be their 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. Good luck with that!

Those of you who are brimming with confidence and still believe you're mouth is a gift of the Gods, be realistic!
We all enjoy different things sexually, so it stands to reason, that what one person enjoys, won't necessarily have the same affect for the next person.
If it makes you feel better, I'm sure you adapt to your partners every need and reaction and perform like a fucking sex God!

So, for the sake of everybody else, I'd like to encourage some honesty, following oral sex.
If you get a questioning look from your next participant, as they crawl up from between your legs, before they try to kiss you (!!!), give them the 'so, so' hand gesture.

This could save you from sampling your own love lava (unless you're into that) but will also encourage them to try a little harder next time.

Of course, I could always be wrong!

As I've been known to be sexually, I was a little premature in posting this blog.

I want to hold my hands up and say that I've always thought that when it came to oral sex, I was pretty much an expert.
However, there have been occasions when I have been closer to getting lock jaw, than I have to leading my partner in lust to a fitting climax.
So I'm obviously as deluded as the next man!

Happy eating!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Jesus! Really?

Several years ago, I was dating a woman, who although not religious, did claim to be 'spiritual'.
The reason that this information came to light, was her objection to my excessive use of the name, "Jesus".
She found it upsetting that I kept using her good Lord's name in vain.
It did cross my mind that when I said "Jesus", I could mumble a few other words and then finish with, "Amen".
However, I'd already disclosed that I was an atheist, so couldn't bluff my way out of it by pretending to pray!
It doesn't happen often but when somebody points out that you do something that they find annoying, or objectionable, it really highlights how often you do it.
I have to hold my hands up to excessive use of the name but once it was pointed out to me, whenever I did say, "Jesus" it was like a game show buzzer going off in my head!
Just in case the subconscious buzzer wasn't enough, this was backed up with a sideways look of disgust from a woman who I was trying to impress!
Even I became annoyed at how often I said it!
However, the problem was solved when the relationship failed to get passed three or four dates.
At which point, I decided, who cares how often I said it?

The reason this has come to mind now, is that another ex (can you see a pattern developing here?) has blamed me for her excessive use of, "really?"!
Apparently, I often use the word "really", as a question, in a non-question manner!

For instance;
Friend, "I know this person who keeps saying Jesus"
Me, "Really?"

I'm told that after spending time with me, my ex has adopted my habit and has had it brought to her attention.
I did have to wonder if my ex had become acquainted with my 'spiritual' ex!
"Jesus!" It "really" would be a small World, wouldn't it?!

I wasn't aware that I had this habit but now that it's been pointed out to me, my subconscious game show buzzer is making unwanted, regular appearances!

I did try to bluff my way out of it, by suggesting that maybe I got this annoying habit from her.
This was working for about five seconds, before it was thrown back at me.

Anyway, to cut a long story... (yeah, I know, too late!) As I'm no longer in touch with the 'Spiritual' ex, I've decided that instead of saying, "really", I'm going to try and replace it with "Jesus"!

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Karma (sorry about the motherfuckers)

I've come to the conclusion that karma is just something that people hope exists, when they can't get revenge, or don't want to admit that they want revenge.
If somebody does something to you, your initial response is never to just let it slide, safe in the knowledge that 'someday' that nasty individual will be tracked down by their own negative behaviour and forced to suffer their actions, ten fold, in the name of "KARMA".
No, no, no!

If you're really angry (and really honest), your initial response is, "Die motherfucker, die!!!"
Then, once you've calmed down a bit, you want them to suffer. If you can't inflict that suffering yourself, you'll appease yourself with the delusion that one day something bad will happen to them, and that will be because they were nasty to you twenty years earlier.

Unfortunately, I don't believe in karma. So once I reach the level of, "Die motherfucker, die!!!", I'm still thinking that, twenty years later!
Do you know how many motherfuckers I want to die after nearly fifty years on this earth?

There's a very unhelpful man who works in the ticket office of my local train station. I haven't had to speak to him for at least ten years but I'm still waiting for that empty train to derail and go flying through that ticket office window! I'm sure that when it does, he'll be safe in the back office, making a personal phone call.

If we're honest with ourselves, we all know somebody who has always been a complete and utter arsehole. They will always be a complete and utter arsehole and they've lived a very happy life. Where's their karma?

Of course, if you wait long enough, something negative will happen to everybody. Even if it's death, at a ripe old age. Which is when you can guarantee that somebody, somewhere, will be whispering, 'He had it coming'.

I ask you, if karma existed, would Piers Morgan have a successful television career?

Monday, 30 January 2012


Good Evening,

tonight, I'm off loading about colleagues.

A colleague at work today just wouldn't shut up!!!
He appeared to want to be involved in every conversation that was taking place in the office.
Without invitation, he jumped into all manor of discussions, not even being dissuaded by the chance that the conversation might be private!
He wasn't just offering opinion, he literally took over.
I would've suspected the use of drugs but this is a very clean living man, and to make it worse, a very nice man.
Had it been anybody else stampeding over every word spoken, I would've had no problem directing a few insults his way but I genuinely wouldn't enjoy upsetting him.
I think I'd even feel guilty!
I did think that maybe his wife had been giving him the silent treatment over the weekend and he just needed to let loose with all of the thoughts that he'd been suppressing.
The only way that I can describe his actions is if you've ever had the pleasure of spending time with a new mum, who hasn't had the opportunity to spend any recent quality time in adult company. Spurting out every thought that pops into their head, at a hundred miles an hour.
Or like somebody who's been away from other people for ages and hasn't been able to talk.
Somebody who works for long hours on their own.
A prisoner in isolation.
Somebody who's lost their voice after an accident and just gets it back after years of silence with a miracle operation.
Or a hostage!
I think those should be enough examples!
D'you get my point?
Anyway....
You must have come across one of those people who, when they get around other adults, they just can't stop talking! And not just talking but talking utter shit!
Tease Me by Chaka Demus & Pliers just came on the radio and I said, "I haven't heard this in ages" and turned it up quite loud, while he was in mid sentence.
Maybe I need one those people skills courses.
Do you think that they have one for dealing with people who are acting like complete arseholes?
Maybe I'm the problem. Sadly, I seem to be drawing that conclusion more and more lately.
It's only Monday! Tomorrow is another day. Fingers crossed, it'll be a more peaceful one.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Blogging etiquette

What's the blogging etiquette on blogging about my own blogs?

After some very constructive criticism from a good friend and seasoned blogger, I had a re-read of my first attempt and can see it's shortcomings.
They stand out like the red pen that used to dominate my English coursework when I was at school. Do teachers still that? It seems a very aggressive way to highlight errors, Surely, a gentle pastel coloured highlight would be a kinder way of pointing out where I was going wrong. I'd spend ages preparing my work (That's a lie but the teacher didn't know that! She may have thought it but she could never have been sure), trying to make it look as attractive as possible, only to have it returned to me with big fuck off red ink all over it!
To me, it's the equivalent of correcting other peoples grammar by shouting through a megaphone! "IT'S PROVEN, NOT PROVED!!!"
To make it worse, now that I'm an adult, I witness teachers marking their student's work on buses and trains, while they're on their way to work! How much concentration is that teacher putting into their work?!
Let me know if I sound bitter at all.
To be honest, my failings at school were as a result of my own delusions of grandeur, laziness, lack of concentration and shyness.
As much as I'd like to blame teachers, they would've needed the inspiration of Jesus to have reached me!
Ironically, I now find Jesus to be less inspirational than David Blaine! In Jesus' defence, he hasn't had the opportunity to showcase many new tricks lately. How long can your reputation dine off of turning water into wine? As far as magic tricks go, it's on a level of, "pick a card".
I wasn't really a fan of Bill Hicks but often think of his questioning of why Christians wear crosses and crucifixes. If you believe that he's going to be coming back, don't you think that the last thing he'd want to see, would be a cross, or a crucifix?!
Two blogs in and I'm alienating Christians!
Jesus!

Sunday, 22 January 2012

It's 2012 and I still see men trying to look cool, whilst pushing their babies in buggies.
When are you going to understand that taking care of your baby IS being cool.
There's something that you need to know. Women like to see a man who's doing his parental duties.
You're already onto a winner, just by looking after your child!
There are so many men out there who don't do their fair share that any man seen doing even the smallest task, has already gained a modicum of respect.
Walking along to the side of the buggy, pushing it with only one hand, doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look like an idiot!
What is it that you're trying to achieve anyway? It looks like you're pushing a baby but trying to pretend that it's not yours. You're not fooling anybody!
Get your dumb arse behind the buggy and push it with both hands. PLEASE!!!