Charity

I feel I should make people who work in the fields of charity, and advertising aware that, in my fifty three years on this planet, I have never seen a newspaper, or television advert that has prompted me to donate to a cause.

Feel free to continue to swamp my existence with these sob stories, although I'd rather you didn't but you should know, I'm not the only person who feels this way.
Having said that, I assume the sob stories work on enough people to continue to finance your industries.

Those people should be aware that many of these issues were issues before I was born, and will remain issues long after I'm gone.

This suggests to me, that this kind of advertising, doesn't solve any issues but does manage to continue to finance begging, charity advertising.

Brexit

Britain preach endlessly about democracy.
They have destroyed the very structure of countries, all in the name of democracy.
They look down their noses at countries that aren't ruled by a leader who was elected democratically.

I'm not attacking, nor defending the outcome of the vote.
My problem is with the way commentators are being so condescending about the majority of people who took part in the democratic vote.

If you voted to leave Europe, you're a racist, you were mislead by Politician's lies, or you're just plain stupid.

I've never seen the outcome of a vote analysed in such a fashion.
I have however, previously seen Politician's lie, and make promises that weren't kept, for the purposes of winning an election.
In those circumstances, the Politician's were rightly critcised but I don't recall the intelligence of voters ever being judged for believing the lies and promises.

Vape

Why do people who vape, puff out so much fucking smoke/steam/vapour?
It's so excessive!
Nobody who smoked used to take down that much smoke.
If they tried, they'd be choking like a muthafucker!
Blowing out huge steams of vapour is like gulping down loads of lemonade and pretending it's vodka!
Calm yourselves down. Nobody is impressed! Take a little suck and blow it out!
Alternatively, try smoking a cigar the same way, and I promise to be impressed.

Anti-Perspirant

Every Antiperspirant company makes an 'Invisible' product.
Why aren't all antiperspirants invisible?
Who's going into the stores and saying, ' No, no, not that one. Give me the one that covers me in a layer of powder, and stains my clothes'?
Can't they make all of their antiperspirants invisible, and just change the scents?
Moan, moan, moan,,,

Carpe Diem Meaning

I always thought Carpe Diem meant Fish of the day

Profundities of life

In a moment of uncharacteristic confidence, I recall telling a woman that I wasn't like any other man she'd met, or will ever meet. To clarify, I meant it as a good thing. The confidence must have worked like some kind of Jedi mind trick. because she agreed with me! Truth be told, we're all unique. Two people may be similar but there will always be something that sets one individual aside from another. The thing we all need to do is embrace the differences. Whatever thing you hate about yourself, there will be somebody who's attracted to that thing. If you're a bald man, be aware that there are men and women who aren't attracted to bald men. There's nothing you can do about that, unless you can afford a hair transplant. So move on. There are plenty of women and men who like bald men. An attraction can be based on something as basic as the colour of your eyes. Learn how to accept what you have. Somebody, somewhere will like some of it. You may even be fortunate enough to meet somebody who likes all of it.

Joke?

How do you make an old lady shout, 'Fuck!' Get another old lady to shout, 'Bingo!'

Language (Again?!)

This evening I'd like to express my hatred for a habit that a lot of politicians have and a number of sport pundits. This habit is probably highlighted because I often listen to talk radio. I believe they call themselves Speech Radio now days. I'm afraid they can fuck right off, because Speech Radio isn't as catchy as Talk Radio. Unusually, I digress... Anyway... the habit to which I refer is the starting of sentences with the word, 'Listen', or even worse, 'Look'. I just find it incredibly rude. If you start your sentence with the word listen, it implies that I'm either not listening, or you're about to tell me something of huge importance. Admittedly, if you're a politician, there's a very good chance that I'm not listening. Possibly distracted by the ever increasing size of your nose, with each word you utter. Let's face it, you're not about to tell me something of huge importance. You're a politician! If you start your sentence with the word look, you're a cunt! I don't believe I need to expand on that. Most politicians are guilty of using both. Some arrogant sportsmen, ex-sportsmen, radio presenters, and journalists are equally guilty. One of the worst offenders is a Daily Mirror journalist, John Cross. This man is so full of his own self importance that his usage of these words can be used to play a great drinking game. A pint for every 'Listen'. A short for every 'Look'. I find myself begging his co-presenters to PLEASE look at him! Rant over.

Insight into the mind of a man

Reaching beneath her skirt, he was surprised to find a full pubis. It had been many years since he’d encountered one of these, and he was intrigued and turned on at the same time. She didn’t appear to have an old fashioned outlook generally, so he was surprised to find that she had decided to buck the trend of almost dolphin-like sleekness, that seemed to have spread like wild fire amongst the women who found their way into his world. She was a very organised person, judging by her home, so the neglected lady garden was unlikely to be the result of laziness. In all other departments, she appeared very clean, so hygiene wasn’t an issue. Maybe she was just going through a retro phase? Her own little tribute to the 70’s. There was no armpit hair though, and he found himself feeling a little disappointed that she hadn’t gone the whole hog. Why have one without the other? He was a little disappointed at her lack of commitment. It’s amazing how a little hair could be such a distraction!

Stand up bit

Are you all familiar with the phrase, ‘If I could live my life over…’, or ‘If I had the chance to live my life again…’? It’s usually followed with the ridiculous line, ‘I wouldn't change a thing’. We all must’ve heard somebody say this, or even said it yourselves, unless you’re under 25. In which case, you’re either too busy enjoying the life you’re living to worry about doing all over again, or your life is so horrible, you’re busy thinking of ways to end it all! It's ridiculous to say that you wouldn't change a thing, because EVERYBODY has regrets. Even if it's something small, you wouldn't put yourself through a negative experience, if you had the choice. I could list a hundred! Women might say it just to emphasise how much they hate a particular ex-boyfriend. Like, ‘If I could live my life over again, I never would’ve gone out with David.’ Or even a current partner. ‘If I could live my life again, YOU wouldn’t be in it!’ When men say it, they say it like it’s a possibility. We actually believe that we might get the option, one day. That’s why all the time travel movies are aimed, really at men. Men of a certain age could probably recite every word of Back to the Future. And let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t made with women in mind. Nobody’s sitting in a production meeting for that movie, saying, ‘Women are gonna fucking LOVE this!’ If you could see a couple watching those movies. You'd see the man cracking up, and the woman would be looking at him, shaking her head. In fact, that would be one of the times when a woman would think, if I could get into that Hot Tub, I’d go back in time and find a man who liked movies made for f#cking grown ups! I’m not criticising anybody here. I’m as guilty as the next man. I love those movies! BUT, if I COULD go back in time, I’d change every fucking thing! I know all of my decisions would create all new mistakes, so I’d be back here moaning to you guys, and you’d be experiencing some kind of déjà vu feeling, thinking, I’m sure I’ve seen this miserable fucker moaning about this stuff before.

News For Idiots (Back to moaning)

I was watching the news this evening.

Ronke Phillips and hair lovely shiny hair were reporting from outside Euston Station.

The news item itself is irrelevant, it's just the whole idea of placing reporters unnecessarily in the proximity of news.

I hate it!

Poor old Ronke doesn't need to take her hair out for a day trip to Euston, to present a report about somebody who took a fucking train! Stick her arse in the nice, warm studio! If the viewing public are too thick to know what a train station looks like, stick a picture of the station behind her!

Two of the worst examples of this are traffic and weather news.

Any news about traffic, has to be reported from one of the busiest streets in the country, with the reporter shouting over traffic!

I don't know about you but I wouldn't know what bad weather was, unless the person talking to me about it is being blown to fuck (and not in a good way!) and smashed around the face by hail stones!

Once again. the reporter is forced to shout to be heard!

What's the fucking point?!

There are reporters permanently stationed outside Parliament to report on all things political. Unless it's regarding Dave Cameron, and then it's handed to the reporters over at Downing Street.

I've seen news items about the Queen, when she's been out of the country but News companies still stick their reporter outside Buckingham Fucking Palace!

Their opinion of the British public, is so low, that they feel that unless they talk about her with her most famous home in view, we won't know who the fucking Queen is!

And another thing...

1st short sory

Reaching deeply into his pocket, in search of his key, Dave realised, to the unknowing observer, he probably resembled a dirty old man, enjoying a little solo dogging.
Despite smiling at the thought, he allowed himself a sideways glance to check for an audience, before finally brushing his fingertips against the key.
Maybe those kids from his childhood, who wore keys around their neck, secured by a shoelace weren't as dumb as he'd always believed.
Opening the door and stepping into the warmth of home, only to be greeted by the feeling of a spiders web across his face.
Resulting in Dave flailing his arms around his face with the speed and power of an Olympic swimmer.
Finally satisfied that the money spider, or equally harmless creature had been disbursed, Dave switched on the hallway light.
Taking the time to have a quick look around, just in case the web belonged to a bird eating tarantula.
It's unlikely but you do hear stories.
As he pushed the door closed behind him, it was obstructed by a mountain of mail.
"Oooo, Mr Popular!", he said sarcastically.
Shoveling up the post in one hand, whilst closing the door with the other, Dave walked through to the kitchen and spread the mountain of mail across the table.
Dave strained his eyes, as his ecologically friendly light bulb also strained to reach full brightness, with what felt like the speed of the sun rising.
After separating the junk mail, he was left with a solitary windowed envelope.
Tearing open the envelope, Dave recognised the credit card company's symbol inside, prompting him to throw the envelope on top of the pile of junk mail.
He stood momentarily motionless in the kitchen, then said, "Fuck this!", and headed back out of the door.

Cycling

As a cyclist, I've observed many things.
For example;
Squirrels are among the dumbest creatures in the World.
They can see you riding toward them, yet they'll still run across your path!
Pedestrians are the second dumbest, for the same reason!
I remember years ago, with the introduction of 'The Walkman', there was a worry that people who had loud music playing directly into their ears would lack spacial awareness. Thus leaving them a danger to themselves whilst in public.
Aside from a handful of cases, as far as I'm aware, this wasn't really the case.
However, when targeted with the same accusation, mobile phones don't come away with the same virtual innocent verdict.
Placing a mobile phone into the hands of certain individuals seems to instantly suck away at their common sense.
Sending text messages, emails, or browsing the Internet whilst walking in public, doesn't make you indestructible to oncoming vehicles.
It's not such a major issue when the vehicle is me on my bike but I've seen some crazy behaviour.
I don't know the stats but would imagine it's the cause of a rising percentage of injuries.
If they step into my path, providing I have enough time to stop, or swerve, the worst they'll experience is me screaming at the top of my voice.
I have a bell on my bike but me screaming always gets a better reaction.
I managed to make one woman scream almost as loud as I was, and drop her phone. RESULT!

Regular blogger

I thought I'd better make the effort and add something to this, before it reaches a year since my last posting.
Obviously, nothing has happened to me in the last ten months.
Also, I've not had a creative thought.
I guess if I post something every ten months, I could still claim to be a regular blogger.
I obviously set my sights too high originally.
Maybe if I'd aimed a little lower, there'd be no feeling of disappointment.
That could be a good life lesson.
Although. if I followed this lesson, I'd leave myself open to the Chris Rock insult of being 'a low expectation having motherfucker'.
I'd find the accusation hard to argue against.

Robbie Williams

I see Olly Murs as a kind of Robbie Williams Light.
He could quite easily change his name to Robbie Williams Light without facing any protest.
If I were a song writer who wrote songs with Robbie Williams in mind.
Aside from being a song writer with extremely low aspirations, I'd be safe in the knowledge that anything that doesn't make it onto a Robbie album, could be considered for a b-side, and failing that, good old Olly could snap it up!
Unfortunately, when you start at Robbie, once Olly turns you down, you couldn't even get a busker to take your song on board!

Biggie Smalls

Ironically, Biggie Smalls almost certainly wore big smalls

Dreams

I hate the whole business of reading dreams.
Psychoanalysts and Psychologists have managed to make a very good living out of convincing people that they can interpret their dreams.
When anybody suggests that their dreams have a deep, hidden meaning, my stock reply is always the question, "You know what that dream means? It means that you were sleeping!"
I don't know who's joke that was. I suspect Jerry Seinfeld but I honestly can't remember.

Interpretations of dreams are always quite vague. I'm sure you can twist dreams to mean almost anything.
Dreams aren't supposed to mean what you would initially imagine.
I think that dreams about teeth, are supposed to represent money worries. I could be completely wrong but I think I heard that once.
Is there a reason that it couldn't mean that you're worried about losing teeth?

I recently had the pleasure of recalling a dream. It wasn't a pleasant one but the thing that really struck me/pissed me off, was that during the dream, somebody spoke to me. I didn't hear what they said and asked, 'What?'
My not hearing the comment, or what was said, had no relevance what soever!

When I woke and recalled this part of the dream, it aggravated the fuck out of me!
Why would my subconscious add this extra hurdle?
I know we often mishear, or just don't hear what people say, in real life but why the fuck would my mind add this unnecessary twist to dream?

It's a rhetorical question. If you have a theory, please keep it to yourself.

Sweet dreams  

English weather

I awoke this morning, strolled into the living room, and looked out of the window at the pouring rain.

I thought to myself, 'Well, there goes my plan to wash some sheets and hang them out on the line to dry.'

I went to the kitchen to make and eat breakfast. Made a cup of tea and went back to the living room, to be bathed in squintingly strong sunshine!

This kind of change always brings to mind, the old West Indian saying, 'Like da people dem.'

If it's not a phrase that you've heard, it just means that the English weather is very changeable, coincidently, very much like the English people.

I'm sitting here smiling to myself. It's often amusing to hear the explanation of the meaning of sayings.

I remember pissing myself laughing at somebody trying to explain, 'Duppy know who fe frighten', to a very English, middle aged woman.

I digress...

Luckily, or unluckily, I've lived in England long enough, to stop myself from rushing back to the kitchen to put those sheets in the washing machine. Give it another half an hour and it's sure to be pissing down again!

Our summer seems to now be over. Not just because of the rain. Rain in this country doesn't mean fuck all, as anybody who watches Wimbledon will tell you.

The sun has taken on a sharpness that is almost painful to my eyes. The summer sun has a kind of protective haze to it, that I never tire of.

Winter sun however, has an intensity to it, that is not unlike the bright light of an interrogation room!

I'll take that over rain most days though.

Living in England, you do grow accustomed to the rain, to a point.

However, I've reached an age where it becomes tiresome to get soaked through again and again.

Then again, if I'd paid more attention at school, maybe I could afford to live in a hot country.

But hey, it could be worse

Martin Luther King JR

After the recent celebrations of the fiftieth anniversary of Martin Luther King JR's most famous speech, I've come to the conclusion that I find his voice a tad annoying.
He was a fine speaker and nobody would argue with his message (apart from the religious stuff, of course).
However, there's something about the timbre of his voice that grates on me.
His most famous speeches, the ones we all know, are great but I just couldn't take a whole sermon.
Just saying. That's all

More moaning about speech

I might need to work on my blog titles. I don't think I'm exactly pulling in the crowds with my choices!

Another petty problem that I'm having lately, which I also may have moaned about previously, is ending sentences with an unnecessary flurry of words.
I'm guilty of this but not to the extreme rate that some others are.

Years ago a lot of people suffered with something that Frank Bruno made his own. It seemed like Big Frank couldn't finish a sentence without adding, 'Ya know what I mean?'
There are a lot of people who still enjoy using this but if you avoid people who spend most of their spare time hanging around outside Betting Shops, you should be relatively safe.

Our current youth have adjusted this Frankism to, 'Ya get me?' Equally pointless and equally annoying!

More recently, a lot of people, including myself, will finish a sentence and then add on, 'and stuff', 'or something', or the more annoying, 'and everything'.

In the words of every great stand-up comedian, 'What the fuck is that all about?!!!'

It's normally squeezed in, rapid-fire, so it's hard to pick up on.

I'm only aware of occasionally doing this myself. Each time I catch myself, I'm instantly pissed off.

So, if you hear me doing this, please laugh loudly in my face. It's obviously deserved.