I feel the urge to apologise for my absence but can't do so without feeling like a walking ego!
Who reads this shit anyway?!
I hit a complete blank, which I'm still going through. I can't think of anything worth writing about.
I do realise that Bloggers generally don't worry about whether or not others would be interested in their blog regardless of the quality. The fact that I'm writing this is probably proof that my ego has finally reached proper bloggers size! Yahoooooo!

I'm typing this whilst Frank Skinner Live from the NIA Birmingham is on the TV behind me. He seems to have overcome his obsession with sex. It's a decent stand up show. Not sure why I'm telling you this but it was in my head!

Have I mentioned that I'm 50 this year?
I'm at an age where I can't remember the names of some of my previous lovers.
There are a couple that I've actually given up even trying to remember!
To make matters worse, I was speaking to an ex lover recently and didn't realise that she was an ex lover!
I remember that we had a bit of a fumble around but thought that was the full extent of it. Only for her to mention sexual acts that I have no recollection of. It's hard to bullshit your way out of that!
I felt horrible. I can only imagine how I'd feel if somebody couldn't remember having sex with me. That really would drag my ego back to pre-blogging size.

Frank Skinner has moved into a more sexual part of his show. So I'll have to take back my previous comment.
I don't have anything against comedy based around sex but I feel that Frank Skinner has taken it to an extreme level in the past.

On that note, I'll love you and leave you.
"Cha" soon.

Mid-life crisis

I've recently started buying very loudly coloured underwear.
I've tried different styles and never really been completely satisfied.
'Going commando' really isn't a viable option. All that "Flipping and flopping. My boys need a home!" (Jerry Seinfeld).
I've eventually come around to 'Hipsters' and have to say that I'm happy!
The pair that I'm happiest in are bright pink! I think they look good on me.
Unfortunately, subconsciously, I've concluded that the bright colouring is as important as the fit, in creating the overall effect.
As a result, I've since purchased several pairs of various garish colours.
Bright blue, lime green, orange, purple and even a pair that I can only describe as technicoloured!
Yes, they are my favourite, after the bright pink pair.

As is my want, I've over analysed these actions, and begun to wonder if I'm acting out, as a result of some kind of mid-life crisis.

I can almost hear my late mother, disapprovingly pointing out that most middle age men act out their mid-life crisis' by buying a motorbike, or a Porsche. It's typical of me to act out in such a low rent manner!
Thanks Mum!

I'd like to believe that the mid-life part of this situation is irrelevant.
I've coincidentally stumbled upon an item of clothing that I like, later on in life.
If I'd developed a liking for comfortable shoes, there'd be no issue here.
Yes, I realise that the only issue so far is in my head but once again, irrelevant!

I've now got an urge, as a single man, to warn any woman who may get intimate with me, that they may need to keep their sunglasses on until I'm on my way home!
However, I realise that a statement such as this would just reinforce any insecurities that maybe at the root of this whole blog.
Any woman who's ever been intimate with me can verify that the cut and colour of my underwear is a minor item on the list of things that they need to be concerned with.

Throwaway blog

I'm pretty certain that I'm currently an angrier man than I've ever been in my life.
Is this just a natural progression? A result of becoming older?
Maybe I'm not getting rid of my anger on a daily basis and as a result, carrying it over to the next day.
Each day I'm carrying forward more and more anger, leaving me to be, in the words of Quentin Tarantino, 'A mushroom cloud laying motherfucker!'
Other people have to shoulder a large part of the responsibility. People are getting more and more annoying.
A good friend of mine often says, 'you know what G? People are cunts' and he's right.
It makes sense really. You take a lot less than 1% of people that you meet as friends. You can't get along with everybody!
Then again, that doesn't mean that all of the people that you don't click with are annoying! So where are all of these annoying bastards coming from?
Having said said, I've been struggling so much to think of things to write on here, that I'm finding myself to be the most annoying bastard of all!
Does it show?

British shame

More than 55% of young black men in the UK are unemployed!
This has been a minor news item for the last couple of weeks.
What amazes me, is that it's never shown as the most important item of news.
I live in a country that is willing to just pass off this information as another statistic.
Even though 55% is only slightly more than half, it equates to MOST 16 to 24 year old black men in Britain are out of work!
How can this not be the most important item of news?
MPs should be discussing this as their first priority, every day until they come up with a solution.
Even more frightening is the fact that this figure is almost double what it was just three years ago!
What kind of feeling do MPs think this information inspires in black boys who are still in education?
What does the future hold for them, if this isn't turned around?
Put yourself in their position. You're one of ten boys in school. You're all good friends, about to take your GCSE's, in the knowledge that regardless of how well you perform, roughly, only four of you will be able to find work when you leave school. If you're lucky enough to be one of those four, six of your friends will be forced to sign on.
While Cameron was pretending to be best friends with Barack Obama this week, do you think one of their friendly little chats would have been Dave saying to Barack, "You know what's funny Barack? If you lived in my country, statistically, you wouldn't even be able to get a job"!

"O"

ORAL SEX!

No, that's not a shock headline to grab your attention, I'm honestly going to talk about oral sex.

I think that people, both male and female are reluctant to criticise anybody who makes the effort sexually to please them orally.

I figure that we're all just so happy for somebody to take the time and effort to 'play our love flute', or 'eat our love bun', that regardless of how good the experience was, we allow that person to believe that they're good at what they've done!

Personally, I've NEVER met a woman, who didn't believe that they were, "good at it".
Similarly, women who I've spoken to, have the same experience.

With the exception or people who don't really enjoy oral sex, everybody is apparently a great oral lover!
People who don't really enjoy oral sex, will often freely offer up the information that they're 'not very good at it'.
Maybe they're hoping that this statement will be their 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. Good luck with that!

Those of you who are brimming with confidence and still believe you're mouth is a gift of the Gods, be realistic!
We all enjoy different things sexually, so it stands to reason, that what one person enjoys, won't necessarily have the same affect for the next person.
If it makes you feel better, I'm sure you adapt to your partners every need and reaction and perform like a fucking sex God!

So, for the sake of everybody else, I'd like to encourage some honesty, following oral sex.
If you get a questioning look from your next participant, as they crawl up from between your legs, before they try to kiss you (!!!), give them the 'so, so' hand gesture.

This could save you from sampling your own love lava (unless you're into that) but will also encourage them to try a little harder next time.

Of course, I could always be wrong!

As I've been known to be sexually, I was a little premature in posting this blog.

I want to hold my hands up and say that I've always thought that when it came to oral sex, I was pretty much an expert.
However, there have been occasions when I have been closer to getting lock jaw, than I have to leading my partner in lust to a fitting climax.
So I'm obviously as deluded as the next man!

Happy eating!

Jesus! Really?

Several years ago, I was dating a woman, who although not religious, did claim to be 'spiritual'.
The reason that this information came to light, was her objection to my excessive use of the name, "Jesus".
She found it upsetting that I kept using her good Lord's name in vain.
It did cross my mind that when I said "Jesus", I could mumble a few other words and then finish with, "Amen".
However, I'd already disclosed that I was an atheist, so couldn't bluff my way out of it by pretending to pray!
It doesn't happen often but when somebody points out that you do something that they find annoying, or objectionable, it really highlights how often you do it.
I have to hold my hands up to excessive use of the name but once it was pointed out to me, whenever I did say, "Jesus" it was like a game show buzzer going off in my head!
Just in case the subconscious buzzer wasn't enough, this was backed up with a sideways look of disgust from a woman who I was trying to impress!
Even I became annoyed at how often I said it!
However, the problem was solved when the relationship failed to get passed three or four dates.
At which point, I decided, who cares how often I said it?

The reason this has come to mind now, is that another ex (can you see a pattern developing here?) has blamed me for her excessive use of, "really?"!
Apparently, I often use the word "really", as a question, in a non-question manner!

For instance;
Friend, "I know this person who keeps saying Jesus"
Me, "Really?"

I'm told that after spending time with me, my ex has adopted my habit and has had it brought to her attention.
I did have to wonder if my ex had become acquainted with my 'spiritual' ex!
"Jesus!" It "really" would be a small World, wouldn't it?!

I wasn't aware that I had this habit but now that it's been pointed out to me, my subconscious game show buzzer is making unwanted, regular appearances!

I did try to bluff my way out of it, by suggesting that maybe I got this annoying habit from her.
This was working for about five seconds, before it was thrown back at me.

Anyway, to cut a long story... (yeah, I know, too late!) As I'm no longer in touch with the 'Spiritual' ex, I've decided that instead of saying, "really", I'm going to try and replace it with "Jesus"!

Karma (sorry about the motherfuckers)

I've come to the conclusion that karma is just something that people hope exists, when they can't get revenge, or don't want to admit that they want revenge.
If somebody does something to you, your initial response is never to just let it slide, safe in the knowledge that 'someday' that nasty individual will be tracked down by their own negative behaviour and forced to suffer their actions, ten fold, in the name of "KARMA".
No, no, no!

If you're really angry (and really honest), your initial response is, "Die motherfucker, die!!!"
Then, once you've calmed down a bit, you want them to suffer. If you can't inflict that suffering yourself, you'll appease yourself with the delusion that one day something bad will happen to them, and that will be because they were nasty to you twenty years earlier.

Unfortunately, I don't believe in karma. So once I reach the level of, "Die motherfucker, die!!!", I'm still thinking that, twenty years later!
Do you know how many motherfuckers I want to die after nearly fifty years on this earth?

There's a very unhelpful man who works in the ticket office of my local train station. I haven't had to speak to him for at least ten years but I'm still waiting for that empty train to derail and go flying through that ticket office window! I'm sure that when it does, he'll be safe in the back office, making a personal phone call.

If we're honest with ourselves, we all know somebody who has always been a complete and utter arsehole. They will always be a complete and utter arsehole and they've lived a very happy life. Where's their karma?

Of course, if you wait long enough, something negative will happen to everybody. Even if it's death, at a ripe old age. Which is when you can guarantee that somebody, somewhere, will be whispering, 'He had it coming'.

I ask you, if karma existed, would Piers Morgan have a successful television career?