Anti-Perspirant

Every Antiperspirant company makes an 'Invisible' product.
Why aren't all antiperspirants invisible?
Who's going into the stores and saying, ' No, no, not that one. Give me the one that covers me in a layer of powder, and stains my clothes'?
Can't they make all of their antiperspirants invisible, and just change the scents?
Moan, moan, moan,,,

Carpe Diem Meaning

I always thought Carpe Diem meant Fish of the day

Profundities of life

In a moment of uncharacteristic confidence, I recall telling a woman that I wasn't like any other man she'd met, or will ever meet. To clarify, I meant it as a good thing. The confidence must have worked like some kind of Jedi mind trick. because she agreed with me! Truth be told, we're all unique. Two people may be similar but there will always be something that sets one individual aside from another. The thing we all need to do is embrace the differences. Whatever thing you hate about yourself, there will be somebody who's attracted to that thing. If you're a bald man, be aware that there are men and women who aren't attracted to bald men. There's nothing you can do about that, unless you can afford a hair transplant. So move on. There are plenty of women and men who like bald men. An attraction can be based on something as basic as the colour of your eyes. Learn how to accept what you have. Somebody, somewhere will like some of it. You may even be fortunate enough to meet somebody who likes all of it.

Joke?

How do you make an old lady shout, 'Fuck!' Get another old lady to shout, 'Bingo!'

Language (Again?!)

This evening I'd like to express my hatred for a habit that a lot of politicians have and a number of sport pundits. This habit is probably highlighted because I often listen to talk radio. I believe they call themselves Speech Radio now days. I'm afraid they can fuck right off, because Speech Radio isn't as catchy as Talk Radio. Unusually, I digress... Anyway... the habit to which I refer is the starting of sentences with the word, 'Listen', or even worse, 'Look'. I just find it incredibly rude. If you start your sentence with the word listen, it implies that I'm either not listening, or you're about to tell me something of huge importance. Admittedly, if you're a politician, there's a very good chance that I'm not listening. Possibly distracted by the ever increasing size of your nose, with each word you utter. Let's face it, you're not about to tell me something of huge importance. You're a politician! If you start your sentence with the word look, you're a cunt! I don't believe I need to expand on that. Most politicians are guilty of using both. Some arrogant sportsmen, ex-sportsmen, radio presenters, and journalists are equally guilty. One of the worst offenders is a Daily Mirror journalist, John Cross. This man is so full of his own self importance that his usage of these words can be used to play a great drinking game. A pint for every 'Listen'. A short for every 'Look'. I find myself begging his co-presenters to PLEASE look at him! Rant over.

Insight into the mind of a man

Reaching beneath her skirt, he was surprised to find a full pubis. It had been many years since he’d encountered one of these, and he was intrigued and turned on at the same time. She didn’t appear to have an old fashioned outlook generally, so he was surprised to find that she had decided to buck the trend of almost dolphin-like sleekness, that seemed to have spread like wild fire amongst the women who found their way into his world. She was a very organised person, judging by her home, so the neglected lady garden was unlikely to be the result of laziness. In all other departments, she appeared very clean, so hygiene wasn’t an issue. Maybe she was just going through a retro phase? Her own little tribute to the 70’s. There was no armpit hair though, and he found himself feeling a little disappointed that she hadn’t gone the whole hog. Why have one without the other? He was a little disappointed at her lack of commitment. It’s amazing how a little hair could be such a distraction!

Stand up bit

Are you all familiar with the phrase, ‘If I could live my life over…’, or ‘If I had the chance to live my life again…’? It’s usually followed with the ridiculous line, ‘I wouldn't change a thing’. We all must’ve heard somebody say this, or even said it yourselves, unless you’re under 25. In which case, you’re either too busy enjoying the life you’re living to worry about doing all over again, or your life is so horrible, you’re busy thinking of ways to end it all! It's ridiculous to say that you wouldn't change a thing, because EVERYBODY has regrets. Even if it's something small, you wouldn't put yourself through a negative experience, if you had the choice. I could list a hundred! Women might say it just to emphasise how much they hate a particular ex-boyfriend. Like, ‘If I could live my life over again, I never would’ve gone out with David.’ Or even a current partner. ‘If I could live my life again, YOU wouldn’t be in it!’ When men say it, they say it like it’s a possibility. We actually believe that we might get the option, one day. That’s why all the time travel movies are aimed, really at men. Men of a certain age could probably recite every word of Back to the Future. And let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t made with women in mind. Nobody’s sitting in a production meeting for that movie, saying, ‘Women are gonna fucking LOVE this!’ If you could see a couple watching those movies. You'd see the man cracking up, and the woman would be looking at him, shaking her head. In fact, that would be one of the times when a woman would think, if I could get into that Hot Tub, I’d go back in time and find a man who liked movies made for f#cking grown ups! I’m not criticising anybody here. I’m as guilty as the next man. I love those movies! BUT, if I COULD go back in time, I’d change every fucking thing! I know all of my decisions would create all new mistakes, so I’d be back here moaning to you guys, and you’d be experiencing some kind of déjà vu feeling, thinking, I’m sure I’ve seen this miserable fucker moaning about this stuff before.