Ahhhh Mr Bond....

Although I wouldn't call myself a Bond movie fan, I went to see the new movie, Sky Fall.
Naively, I thought that since the Bourne movies, the makers of Bond would have to step up their game.
Cold-blooded killers in the Bourne movies spend their time trying to kill, or trying not to be killed. Pretty much what you'd expect cold-blooded killers to do.
However, cold-blooded killers in Bond movies (including Bond) seem to want to have a conversation before killing somebody, usually for no apparent reason. Giving their target the opportunity to escape death.
Luckily the cinema was pretty much empty, so nobody had to suffer the sound of me shouting at the screen, 'Just kill him, for fuck sake!'
To make matters worse, the makers of Sky Fall ( a more apt title would have been Dreadful) decided to make the baddie very camp. Javier Bardem is a great actor but he seems to have been hired to do an impression of Larry Grayson. I spent the movie waiting for him to say, 'Shut that door'.

How did Larry Grayson make a living with a catch-phrase like, 'Shut that door'?
What the fuck did that even mean?
I can't remember if he was complaining of a draught, or if he had a fear of somebody funny following him onto the stage!

I've just realised that you'd have to be of a certain vintage to know what the fuck I'm talking about here.
If you're old enough to remember Larry Grayson, just take a look at the advertising campaign for Sky Fall. I saw Javier Bardem's picture on the side of a bus yesterday and I wasn't thinking, there's that evil genius who was trying to take over the World, I was thinking, 'Shut that door'.
Anyway, go and see Sky Fall, it's great!
Whinge over

Return of Jerry

I seem to have taken more from my own blogs than I probably should.

I found ANOTHER spider in my bath this morning.
However, this time there was no consideration of releasing him into the wild.
I turned on the tap and sent Jerry 2 for the big swim in the sky.
The decision was instant but I was aware that, in my mind I thought, 'he's obviously a stupid spider'.
On the strength of my own blog, that concluded that spiders that get trapped in baths are the least intelligent of the species, I now seem to subconsciously believe that to be true!

Does this make me easily led? Can I be easily led by myself?
How weak willed am I, to have a basic point of view swayed by something I made up myself?

I do realise that I'm putting way too much thought into this. People flush spiders down bath plug-holes every day. And I'm sure that most of those people aren't carrying out self-analyses afterwards.
The only concern that most 'normal' people have is, is the bastard thing dead, as they use the hot tap to wash away the evil spider. Ensuring that, if the spider survives drowning, the boiling water will scaled it's arse to death!

I guess I'm not normal.

A day in the life of...

I had a hospital appointment this week.

It was just a consultation but following the consultation, I had to go for an MRSA swab test.

This involves a cotton bud up each nostril and to each side of the groin.

I will be having an operation (don't worry, it's a minor one) (I don't know why I'm using parentheses to calm readers concerns. I probably only know one of you personally and I'm sure the rest of you couldn't give a fuck. Rightly so) (Are there any rules on how many times parentheses can be used?) (Have you already lost the thread of this sentence? I know I would have. I'd have to go back and reread pre-parentheses.) (I'm just doing this to be annoying now!) but it's unlikely to take place within the next couple of months.

I'm no doctor but would've thought that the swab test would be a pointless exercise with such a large gap between test and operation.

Anyway...

As the nurse was leading me off to an examination room, the receptionist said to her, "Go on girl, go for it".

I didn't know if this statement was regarding a completely unrelated subject, or in reference to me but my uncertainty was set straight as soon as the door to the examination room was closed behind me, and the nurse said, "I said to Agnes (Name changed to protect the guilty by association) on reception, mmmmm Mr Daniels (Name changed to protect...) is very handsome"

For anybody who's not keeping up, I'm Mr Daniels (Name changed to protect...).

I would imagine that with gender reversal (No, I'm not having a sex change!), this would be exactly the kind of situation that could be intimidating for women.

I'm in a room with a woman who has admitted an attraction and is about to carry out a semi-intimate procedure.

To give her credit, she was going to do a groin swab and could very easily have convinced me that I'd need to be naked below the waist but she didn't.

To cut a long story short (and a bit of an anticlimax for anybody reading this) she was very professional. She was very talkative and it turns out that I know her cousin.

She accompanied me back in to reception and said loudly to the receptionist (and anybody else in earshot), "Mr Daniels was lovely!"

It was an unusual experience and in a strange way, very good for the ego.

I guess she was just an incredible flirt, who's not afraid to bring that part of her character into the workplace.

Who am I to judge?

Petty

As is my want, I have recently become aggravated by something that is completely unimportant.
I've noticed a lot of people, including myself, using  'meaningless add ons' to the end of their sentences.
A perfectly complete sentence will be extended to include, 'and stuff', 'and thing', or 'or something'
As if things weren't bad enough with, 'You know what I mean?' and 'Ya get me?', we're now blessed with sentences like, 'I've only spent all of my money and stuff, ya get me?'
Short and bitter

Homage to Jerry

I found a spider in my bath this morning.
I'm sure we've all experienced this at some point.
If you believe the stats that get thrown around, we all have about three hundred spiders crawling in and out of our mouths while we sleep.
The fact that I've found spiders trapped in baths a handful of times in my life makes me think that the spiders that do get trapped, aren't the spider equivalent of Mensa members.

"Hey, you hear what happened to Jerry?"
"No, what's he done now?"
"He got trapped in a bath!"
"I guess it was just a matter of time! Was it one of those that eventually gets a cloth hung over the side so he could escape?"
"No, he's dead!"
"Ouch!"
"Hey, it's a jungle out there"
"Only if you're too stupid to look where you're going. I'll never understand how these idiots manage to die like that. We've got the silk hanging out of our ass! What do they think it's for?"

So basically, if you find a spider in a bath remember, it's probably the spider equivalent of somebody who thinks it's a good idea to retrieve their trapped toast from a toaster, using a fork!

Flying Frigging Ants

Wrote this a few weeks back and just realised that I didn't publish it!
How could I deprive the World of this?!

When I was a kid, we used to get what we called, 'Flying Ant Day'.
I don't know if this is something that is experienced in other countries but it was basically one day every year when swarms of winged ants would take flight and aggravate the fuck out of everybody.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these flying ants are around ten times the size of 'normal' ants.

The reason I bring this up is because today was at least, the second flying ant day of the year.
I can only assume that the changing weather has affected the amount of times that these creatures decide to show themselves.

These poxy ants really don't deserve wings because they don't seem to be able to use them properly. They dive bomb into you as if they can't fucking see you!

I had the pleasure of riding home from work, on my bike this evening.
Forty minutes of these wanky creatures banging off of my head had me cursing all the way.
It's an experience being forced to keep my mouth shut and stopping occasionally to remove ants from my eyes!

What is the deal with this day!?
The only positive thing that I remember about flying ant day was that they made quite an audible pop when you trod on them.

Oh well, we're all Gods creatures!

People

I was riding my bicycle home this evening, when a young couple, without looking, stepped into the road, pushing their baby in a buggy in front of them.
I couldn't help thinking to myself, 'That's exactly how you two had that baby in the first place!'
If I'd crashed into that buggy and killed their baby, it still wouldn't be as big an accident as the two of them conceiving in the first place!