Sunday, 5 April 2015
Stand up bit
Are you all familiar with the phrase, ‘If I could live my life over…’, or ‘If I had the chance to live my life again…’?
It’s usually followed with the ridiculous line, ‘I wouldn't change a thing’.
We all must’ve heard somebody say this, or even said it yourselves, unless you’re under 25.
In which case, you’re either too busy enjoying the life you’re living to worry about doing all over again, or your life is so horrible, you’re busy thinking of ways to end it all!
It's ridiculous to say that you wouldn't change a thing, because EVERYBODY has regrets. Even if it's something small, you wouldn't put yourself through a negative experience, if you had the choice.
I could list a hundred!
Women might say it just to emphasise how much they hate a particular ex-boyfriend. Like, ‘If I could live my life over again, I never would’ve gone out with David.’
Or even a current partner. ‘If I could live my life again, YOU wouldn’t be in it!’
When men say it, they say it like it’s a possibility. We actually believe that we might get the option, one day.
That’s why all the time travel movies are aimed, really at men.
Men of a certain age could probably recite every word of Back to the Future.
And let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t made with women in mind.
Nobody’s sitting in a production meeting for that movie, saying, ‘Women are gonna fucking LOVE this!’
If you could see a couple watching those movies. You'd see the man cracking up, and the woman would be looking at him, shaking her head.
In fact, that would be one of the times when a woman would think, if I could get into that Hot Tub, I’d go back in time and find a man who liked movies made for f#cking grown ups!
I’m not criticising anybody here. I’m as guilty as the next man. I love those movies!
BUT, if I COULD go back in time, I’d change every fucking thing!
I know all of my decisions would create all new mistakes, so I’d be back here moaning to you guys, and you’d be experiencing some kind of déjà vu feeling, thinking, I’m sure I’ve seen this miserable fucker moaning about this stuff before.
Monday, 2 March 2015
News For Idiots (Back to moaning)
I was watching the news this evening.
Ronke Phillips and hair lovely shiny hair were reporting from outside Euston Station.
The news item itself is irrelevant, it's just the whole idea of placing reporters unnecessarily in the proximity of news.
I hate it!
Poor old Ronke doesn't need to take her hair out for a day trip to Euston, to present a report about somebody who took a fucking train! Stick her arse in the nice, warm studio! If the viewing public are too thick to know what a train station looks like, stick a picture of the station behind her!
Two of the worst examples of this are traffic and weather news.
Any news about traffic, has to be reported from one of the busiest streets in the country, with the reporter shouting over traffic!
I don't know about you but I wouldn't know what bad weather was, unless the person talking to me about it is being blown to fuck (and not in a good way!) and smashed around the face by hail stones!
Once again. the reporter is forced to shout to be heard!
What's the fucking point?!
There are reporters permanently stationed outside Parliament to report on all things political. Unless it's regarding Dave Cameron, and then it's handed to the reporters over at Downing Street.
I've seen news items about the Queen, when she's been out of the country but News companies still stick their reporter outside Buckingham Fucking Palace!
Their opinion of the British public, is so low, that they feel that unless they talk about her with her most famous home in view, we won't know who the fucking Queen is!
And another thing...
Sunday, 12 October 2014
1st short sory
Reaching deeply into his pocket, in search of his key, Dave realised, to the unknowing observer, he probably resembled a dirty old man, enjoying a little solo dogging.
Despite smiling at the thought, he allowed himself a sideways glance to check for an audience, before finally brushing his fingertips against the key.
Maybe those kids from his childhood, who wore keys around their neck, secured by a shoelace weren't as dumb as he'd always believed.
Opening the door and stepping into the warmth of home, only to be greeted by the feeling of a spiders web across his face.
Resulting in Dave flailing his arms around his face with the speed and power of an Olympic swimmer.
Finally satisfied that the money spider, or equally harmless creature had been disbursed, Dave switched on the hallway light.
Taking the time to have a quick look around, just in case the web belonged to a bird eating tarantula.
It's unlikely but you do hear stories.
As he pushed the door closed behind him, it was obstructed by a mountain of mail.
"Oooo, Mr Popular!", he said sarcastically.
Shoveling up the post in one hand, whilst closing the door with the other, Dave walked through to the kitchen and spread the mountain of mail across the table.
Dave strained his eyes, as his ecologically friendly light bulb also strained to reach full brightness, with what felt like the speed of the sun rising.
After separating the junk mail, he was left with a solitary windowed envelope.
Tearing open the envelope, Dave recognised the credit card company's symbol inside, prompting him to throw the envelope on top of the pile of junk mail.
He stood momentarily motionless in the kitchen, then said, "Fuck this!", and headed back out of the door.
Despite smiling at the thought, he allowed himself a sideways glance to check for an audience, before finally brushing his fingertips against the key.
Maybe those kids from his childhood, who wore keys around their neck, secured by a shoelace weren't as dumb as he'd always believed.
Opening the door and stepping into the warmth of home, only to be greeted by the feeling of a spiders web across his face.
Resulting in Dave flailing his arms around his face with the speed and power of an Olympic swimmer.
Finally satisfied that the money spider, or equally harmless creature had been disbursed, Dave switched on the hallway light.
Taking the time to have a quick look around, just in case the web belonged to a bird eating tarantula.
It's unlikely but you do hear stories.
As he pushed the door closed behind him, it was obstructed by a mountain of mail.
"Oooo, Mr Popular!", he said sarcastically.
Shoveling up the post in one hand, whilst closing the door with the other, Dave walked through to the kitchen and spread the mountain of mail across the table.
Dave strained his eyes, as his ecologically friendly light bulb also strained to reach full brightness, with what felt like the speed of the sun rising.
After separating the junk mail, he was left with a solitary windowed envelope.
Tearing open the envelope, Dave recognised the credit card company's symbol inside, prompting him to throw the envelope on top of the pile of junk mail.
He stood momentarily motionless in the kitchen, then said, "Fuck this!", and headed back out of the door.
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Cycling
As a cyclist, I've observed many things.
For example;
Squirrels are among the dumbest creatures in the World.
They can see you riding toward them, yet they'll still run across your path!
Pedestrians are the second dumbest, for the same reason!
I remember years ago, with the introduction of 'The Walkman', there was a worry that people who had loud music playing directly into their ears would lack spacial awareness. Thus leaving them a danger to themselves whilst in public.
Aside from a handful of cases, as far as I'm aware, this wasn't really the case.
However, when targeted with the same accusation, mobile phones don't come away with the same virtual innocent verdict.
Placing a mobile phone into the hands of certain individuals seems to instantly suck away at their common sense.
Sending text messages, emails, or browsing the Internet whilst walking in public, doesn't make you indestructible to oncoming vehicles.
It's not such a major issue when the vehicle is me on my bike but I've seen some crazy behaviour.
I don't know the stats but would imagine it's the cause of a rising percentage of injuries.
If they step into my path, providing I have enough time to stop, or swerve, the worst they'll experience is me screaming at the top of my voice.
I have a bell on my bike but me screaming always gets a better reaction.
I managed to make one woman scream almost as loud as I was, and drop her phone. RESULT!
For example;
Squirrels are among the dumbest creatures in the World.
They can see you riding toward them, yet they'll still run across your path!
Pedestrians are the second dumbest, for the same reason!
I remember years ago, with the introduction of 'The Walkman', there was a worry that people who had loud music playing directly into their ears would lack spacial awareness. Thus leaving them a danger to themselves whilst in public.
Aside from a handful of cases, as far as I'm aware, this wasn't really the case.
However, when targeted with the same accusation, mobile phones don't come away with the same virtual innocent verdict.
Placing a mobile phone into the hands of certain individuals seems to instantly suck away at their common sense.
Sending text messages, emails, or browsing the Internet whilst walking in public, doesn't make you indestructible to oncoming vehicles.
It's not such a major issue when the vehicle is me on my bike but I've seen some crazy behaviour.
I don't know the stats but would imagine it's the cause of a rising percentage of injuries.
If they step into my path, providing I have enough time to stop, or swerve, the worst they'll experience is me screaming at the top of my voice.
I have a bell on my bike but me screaming always gets a better reaction.
I managed to make one woman scream almost as loud as I was, and drop her phone. RESULT!
Regular blogger
I thought I'd better make the effort and add something to this, before it reaches a year since my last posting.
Obviously, nothing has happened to me in the last ten months.
Also, I've not had a creative thought.
I guess if I post something every ten months, I could still claim to be a regular blogger.
I obviously set my sights too high originally.
Maybe if I'd aimed a little lower, there'd be no feeling of disappointment.
That could be a good life lesson.
Although. if I followed this lesson, I'd leave myself open to the Chris Rock insult of being 'a low expectation having motherfucker'.
I'd find the accusation hard to argue against.
Obviously, nothing has happened to me in the last ten months.
Also, I've not had a creative thought.
I guess if I post something every ten months, I could still claim to be a regular blogger.
I obviously set my sights too high originally.
Maybe if I'd aimed a little lower, there'd be no feeling of disappointment.
That could be a good life lesson.
Although. if I followed this lesson, I'd leave myself open to the Chris Rock insult of being 'a low expectation having motherfucker'.
I'd find the accusation hard to argue against.
Monday, 25 November 2013
Robbie Williams
I see Olly Murs as a kind of Robbie Williams Light.
He could quite easily change his name to Robbie Williams Light without facing any protest.
If I were a song writer who wrote songs with Robbie Williams in mind.
Aside from being a song writer with extremely low aspirations, I'd be safe in the knowledge that anything that doesn't make it onto a Robbie album, could be considered for a b-side, and failing that, good old Olly could snap it up!
Unfortunately, when you start at Robbie, once Olly turns you down, you couldn't even get a busker to take your song on board!
He could quite easily change his name to Robbie Williams Light without facing any protest.
If I were a song writer who wrote songs with Robbie Williams in mind.
Aside from being a song writer with extremely low aspirations, I'd be safe in the knowledge that anything that doesn't make it onto a Robbie album, could be considered for a b-side, and failing that, good old Olly could snap it up!
Unfortunately, when you start at Robbie, once Olly turns you down, you couldn't even get a busker to take your song on board!
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