Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Mid-life crisis

I've recently started buying very loudly coloured underwear.
I've tried different styles and never really been completely satisfied.
'Going commando' really isn't a viable option. All that "Flipping and flopping. My boys need a home!" (Jerry Seinfeld).
I've eventually come around to 'Hipsters' and have to say that I'm happy!
The pair that I'm happiest in are bright pink! I think they look good on me.
Unfortunately, subconsciously, I've concluded that the bright colouring is as important as the fit, in creating the overall effect.
As a result, I've since purchased several pairs of various garish colours.
Bright blue, lime green, orange, purple and even a pair that I can only describe as technicoloured!
Yes, they are my favourite, after the bright pink pair.

As is my want, I've over analysed these actions, and begun to wonder if I'm acting out, as a result of some kind of mid-life crisis.

I can almost hear my late mother, disapprovingly pointing out that most middle age men act out their mid-life crisis' by buying a motorbike, or a Porsche. It's typical of me to act out in such a low rent manner!
Thanks Mum!

I'd like to believe that the mid-life part of this situation is irrelevant.
I've coincidentally stumbled upon an item of clothing that I like, later on in life.
If I'd developed a liking for comfortable shoes, there'd be no issue here.
Yes, I realise that the only issue so far is in my head but once again, irrelevant!

I've now got an urge, as a single man, to warn any woman who may get intimate with me, that they may need to keep their sunglasses on until I'm on my way home!
However, I realise that a statement such as this would just reinforce any insecurities that maybe at the root of this whole blog.
Any woman who's ever been intimate with me can verify that the cut and colour of my underwear is a minor item on the list of things that they need to be concerned with.

Throwaway blog

I'm pretty certain that I'm currently an angrier man than I've ever been in my life.
Is this just a natural progression? A result of becoming older?
Maybe I'm not getting rid of my anger on a daily basis and as a result, carrying it over to the next day.
Each day I'm carrying forward more and more anger, leaving me to be, in the words of Quentin Tarantino, 'A mushroom cloud laying motherfucker!'
Other people have to shoulder a large part of the responsibility. People are getting more and more annoying.
A good friend of mine often says, 'you know what G? People are cunts' and he's right.
It makes sense really. You take a lot less than 1% of people that you meet as friends. You can't get along with everybody!
Then again, that doesn't mean that all of the people that you don't click with are annoying! So where are all of these annoying bastards coming from?
Having said said, I've been struggling so much to think of things to write on here, that I'm finding myself to be the most annoying bastard of all!
Does it show?

Saturday, 17 March 2012

British shame

More than 55% of young black men in the UK are unemployed!
This has been a minor news item for the last couple of weeks.
What amazes me, is that it's never shown as the most important item of news.
I live in a country that is willing to just pass off this information as another statistic.
Even though 55% is only slightly more than half, it equates to MOST 16 to 24 year old black men in Britain are out of work!
How can this not be the most important item of news?
MPs should be discussing this as their first priority, every day until they come up with a solution.
Even more frightening is the fact that this figure is almost double what it was just three years ago!
What kind of feeling do MPs think this information inspires in black boys who are still in education?
What does the future hold for them, if this isn't turned around?
Put yourself in their position. You're one of ten boys in school. You're all good friends, about to take your GCSE's, in the knowledge that regardless of how well you perform, roughly, only four of you will be able to find work when you leave school. If you're lucky enough to be one of those four, six of your friends will be forced to sign on.
While Cameron was pretending to be best friends with Barack Obama this week, do you think one of their friendly little chats would have been Dave saying to Barack, "You know what's funny Barack? If you lived in my country, statistically, you wouldn't even be able to get a job"!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012



No, that's not a shock headline to grab your attention, I'm honestly going to talk about oral sex.

I think that people, both male and female are reluctant to criticise anybody who makes the effort sexually to please them orally.

I figure that we're all just so happy for somebody to take the time and effort to 'play our love flute', or 'eat our love bun', that regardless of how good the experience was, we allow that person to believe that they're good at what they've done!

Personally, I've NEVER met a woman, who didn't believe that they were, "good at it".
Similarly, women who I've spoken to, have the same experience.

With the exception or people who don't really enjoy oral sex, everybody is apparently a great oral lover!
People who don't really enjoy oral sex, will often freely offer up the information that they're 'not very good at it'.
Maybe they're hoping that this statement will be their 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. Good luck with that!

Those of you who are brimming with confidence and still believe you're mouth is a gift of the Gods, be realistic!
We all enjoy different things sexually, so it stands to reason, that what one person enjoys, won't necessarily have the same affect for the next person.
If it makes you feel better, I'm sure you adapt to your partners every need and reaction and perform like a fucking sex God!

So, for the sake of everybody else, I'd like to encourage some honesty, following oral sex.
If you get a questioning look from your next participant, as they crawl up from between your legs, before they try to kiss you (!!!), give them the 'so, so' hand gesture.

This could save you from sampling your own love lava (unless you're into that) but will also encourage them to try a little harder next time.

Of course, I could always be wrong!

As I've been known to be sexually, I was a little premature in posting this blog.

I want to hold my hands up and say that I've always thought that when it came to oral sex, I was pretty much an expert.
However, there have been occasions when I have been closer to getting lock jaw, than I have to leading my partner in lust to a fitting climax.
So I'm obviously as deluded as the next man!

Happy eating!