Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Insight into the mind of a man

Reaching beneath her skirt, he was surprised to find a full pubis. It had been many years since he’d encountered one of these, and he was intrigued and turned on at the same time. She didn’t appear to have an old fashioned outlook generally, so he was surprised to find that she had decided to buck the trend of almost dolphin-like sleekness, that seemed to have spread like wild fire amongst the women who found their way into his world. She was a very organised person, judging by her home, so the neglected lady garden was unlikely to be the result of laziness. In all other departments, she appeared very clean, so hygiene wasn’t an issue. Maybe she was just going through a retro phase? Her own little tribute to the 70’s. There was no armpit hair though, and he found himself feeling a little disappointed that she hadn’t gone the whole hog. Why have one without the other? He was a little disappointed at her lack of commitment. It’s amazing how a little hair could be such a distraction!

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Stand up bit

Are you all familiar with the phrase, ‘If I could live my life over…’, or ‘If I had the chance to live my life again…’? It’s usually followed with the ridiculous line, ‘I wouldn't change a thing’. We all must’ve heard somebody say this, or even said it yourselves, unless you’re under 25. In which case, you’re either too busy enjoying the life you’re living to worry about doing all over again, or your life is so horrible, you’re busy thinking of ways to end it all! It's ridiculous to say that you wouldn't change a thing, because EVERYBODY has regrets. Even if it's something small, you wouldn't put yourself through a negative experience, if you had the choice. I could list a hundred! Women might say it just to emphasise how much they hate a particular ex-boyfriend. Like, ‘If I could live my life over again, I never would’ve gone out with David.’ Or even a current partner. ‘If I could live my life again, YOU wouldn’t be in it!’ When men say it, they say it like it’s a possibility. We actually believe that we might get the option, one day. That’s why all the time travel movies are aimed, really at men. Men of a certain age could probably recite every word of Back to the Future. And let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t made with women in mind. Nobody’s sitting in a production meeting for that movie, saying, ‘Women are gonna fucking LOVE this!’ If you could see a couple watching those movies. You'd see the man cracking up, and the woman would be looking at him, shaking her head. In fact, that would be one of the times when a woman would think, if I could get into that Hot Tub, I’d go back in time and find a man who liked movies made for f#cking grown ups! I’m not criticising anybody here. I’m as guilty as the next man. I love those movies! BUT, if I COULD go back in time, I’d change every fucking thing! I know all of my decisions would create all new mistakes, so I’d be back here moaning to you guys, and you’d be experiencing some kind of déjà vu feeling, thinking, I’m sure I’ve seen this miserable fucker moaning about this stuff before.

Monday, 2 March 2015

News For Idiots (Back to moaning)

I was watching the news this evening.
Ronke Phillips and hair lovely shiny hair were reporting from outside Euston Station.
The news item itself is irrelevant, it's just the whole idea of placing reporters unnecessarily in the proximity of news.
I hate it!
Poor old Ronke doesn't need to take her hair out for a day trip to Euston, to present a report about somebody who took a fucking train! Stick her arse in the nice, warm studio! If the viewing public are too thick to know what a train station looks like, stick a picture of the station behind her!

Two of the worst examples of this are traffic and weather news.
Any news about traffic, has to be reported from one of the busiest streets in the country, with the reporter shouting over traffic!

I don't know about you but I wouldn't know what bad weather was, unless the person talking to me about it is being blown to fuck (and not in a good way!) and smashed around the face by hail stones!
Once again. the reporter is forced to shout to be heard!

What's the fucking point?!

There are reporters permanently stationed outside Parliament to report on all things political. Unless it's regarding Dave Cameron, and then it's handed to the reporters over at Downing Street.

I've seen news items about the Queen, when she's been out of the country but News companies still stick their reporter outside Buckingham Fucking Palace!
Their opinion of the British public, is so low, that they feel that unless they talk about her with her most famous home in view, we won't know who the fucking Queen is!

And another thing...