Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Corporate speak

This afternoon I was reading a job description and was left breathless by the complete and utter bullshit that it contained.
There were probably about two lines of useful information, heavily camouflaged beneath nonsense and 'corporate/management speak'
Applying for the job would be akin to completing a cryptic crossword!
It read almost like the result of a schoolboy bet to see how much he could  write, without actually saying anything.
I'm a huge fan of a little 'blue sky thinking' and can often be found 'thinking outside the box'.
I like to do both simultaneously as a, 'belt and braces' solution to most problems.
Despite my vast knowledge of bullshit, even I had never heard of the phrase, 'horizon scanning'!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Apparently, if I was fortunate enough to secure this post, I would be 'horizon scanning' for new ideas, responding to how current policy developments affect the company, liaising with 'policy influencers' from 'think tanks' to community groups, contributing to policy-led research and turning my knowledge into useful policy briefs to inform strategic direction and service area delivery.

If the interview was conducted long these lines, how could I ever keep a straight face?
In fact, fuck this job, I want to be a policy influencer from a think tank to community groups!
I could do it too. I have spent my whole life universally scrutinising the contradictory similarities of  the unorthodox, yet conventional progression of the simplistic complexities of Corporate strategies.

I'm tempted to apply, just for the pleasure of asking why the fuck they feel the need to make up this shit!

Moan, moan, moan...

Wish me luck! 

Sunday, 10 June 2012


I used to have a job dealing directly with the public.
People in this line of work like to say that they're working on the 'Front Line'.
I believe this is a term that management came up with, to make less important people feel more important.
Strictly speaking, it's correct. You're at the front of a service, or company.
Essentially though, you're probably one of the least important people at your place of work.
You're the 'front line' of defence. The infantry, if you like.
Sure, you'd be told how important you are to the service and how much you're appreciated but you're not.
You're purpose is to keep the public away from the important people.
You sieve through all the shit and only let the gold through. The more important people don't want to touch the shit. So, when you come across somebody who is too important to deal with you, you pass that gold to the next person up. And so it goes in business. It's the circle of business life lol.

One of my favourite things when working on the front line was enjoying the way that people preface whatever it was they wanted to say.
I'd often get, "I wonder if you could help me?", which is perfectly acceptable.
I'd say, "morning/afternoon". Never good morning, or good afternoon, cause I didn't want to leave myself open to the question, "What's good about it!".
I'd often get that reply anyway, despite not using the word, 'good'.
Of course, I'd take great joy in pointing out that I didn't say good!

People tend to hear what they like anyway. They assume that I've asked, "Can I help you?", which I never did.
So I'd say, "Morning"
And they would reply, "I hope you can!"
I generally didn't pull people up on that one.

My all time favourite, that still makes me laugh, when I hear it to this day, is the opening line, "What it is, is..."
I could never keep a straight face. What the fuck is that?!
What it is, is!?
It was always a throw-away line to help them launch into whatever it was that was troubling them.
Usually they'd jump into the issue, so I never got the chance to ask, "What is it, it?"

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

I think I've fallen over the answer to my less than prolific blogging.
I believe that I may have a stamina/endurance problem.
Even as a kid, I wasn't very good at running distances. I could run but not for great distances. I could play football or tennis for hours but both of those sports involve moments of rest.
Running non-stop for a distance was too tiring, not to mention boring!
I could've solved this by training but that training would also have been tiring and boring.
Is this the circle of life again?
I hate to use the phrase, 'Catch 22', because I find it's misuse so annoying but I think this may actually be the real thing! I can't run far because I lack the fitness. To obtain the level of fitness required to run far, I need to practice, by running far!
Tell me I'm wrong people. Have I stumbled over a genuine case of catch 22, or not?!
Sorry to labour this point but people really do love to misuse this phrase more than any phrase I've ever heard! To make it worse, when I hear the phrase misused, I can't fight the urge to correct the idiot who used it. I don't know why. I'm usually quite a patient and understanding person. I can listen to people say Pacific instead of specific, all day long, without interrupting with more than a smile.
ANYWAY! I digress.
I lack the discipline to be in a long-term relationship. You can use different words to describe the reasons for this but they can roughly be substituted with stamina and endurance.
I can relate this theory to several aspects of my life but obviously not my sex life (Ladies!). Any comments from anybody who can argue this point will be deleted!
To get back to the start of this blog, I think my lack of blogging problem could be solved by writing shorter blogs.
Little short spurts (once again, any remarks about my sexual performance will be deleted) of wisdom.
My intention now, is to write little but often.
I lack the imagination and concentration (stamina and endurance) to sustain long and interesting blogs.
To prove my point, I believe this could be the longest blog I've written so far!
Jesus! It's catch 22!

Monday, 4 June 2012

I'm not happy.
If those of you who know me could hold back your cries of, "No shit Sherlock!" for a moment, I'll try to expand. (Ignoring opportunity for fat joke...)
Life has become such a struggle, that there seems little to enjoy.
I'm aware that many people are worse off than I.
I'm also aware that I'm not the only person experiencing this feeling.
Just for the record, telling people who are experiencing something negative that other people are as bad, or worse off, doesn't fucking help!
Having said that, oh well, never mind.
It could be worse!
See what I did there? (sorry!)