Monday, 25 November 2013

Robbie Williams

I see Olly Murs as a kind of Robbie Williams Light.
He could quite easily change his name to Robbie Williams Light without facing any protest.
If I were a song writer who wrote songs with Robbie Williams in mind.
Aside from being a song writer with extremely low aspirations, I'd be safe in the knowledge that anything that doesn't make it onto a Robbie album, could be considered for a b-side, and failing that, good old Olly could snap it up!
Unfortunately, when you start at Robbie, once Olly turns you down, you couldn't even get a busker to take your song on board!

Biggie Smalls

Ironically, Biggie Smalls almost certainly wore big smalls

Thursday, 17 October 2013


I hate the whole business of reading dreams.
Psychoanalysts and Psychologists have managed to make a very good living out of convincing people that they can interpret their dreams.
When anybody suggests that their dreams have a deep, hidden meaning, my stock reply is always the question, "You know what that dream means? It means that you were sleeping!"
I don't know who's joke that was. I suspect Jerry Seinfeld but I honestly can't remember.

Interpretations of dreams are always quite vague. I'm sure you can twist dreams to mean almost anything.
Dreams aren't supposed to mean what you would initially imagine.
I think that dreams about teeth, are supposed to represent money worries. I could be completely wrong but I think I heard that once.
Is there a reason that it couldn't mean that you're worried about losing teeth?

I recently had the pleasure of recalling a dream. It wasn't a pleasant one but the thing that really struck me/pissed me off, was that during the dream, somebody spoke to me. I didn't hear what they said and asked, 'What?'
My not hearing the comment, or what was said, had no relevance what soever!

When I woke and recalled this part of the dream, it aggravated the fuck out of me!
Why would my subconscious add this extra hurdle?
I know we often mishear, or just don't hear what people say, in real life but why the fuck would my mind add this unnecessary twist to dream?

It's a rhetorical question. If you have a theory, please keep it to yourself.

Sweet dreams  

Saturday, 7 September 2013

English weather

I awoke this morning, strolled into the living room, and looked out of the window at the pouring rain.
I thought to myself, 'Well, there goes my plan to wash some sheets and hang them out on the line to dry.'
I went to the kitchen to make and eat breakfast. Made a cup of tea and went back to the living room, to be bathed in squintingly strong sunshine!
This kind of change always brings to mind, the old West Indian saying, 'Like da people dem.'
If it's not a phrase that you've heard, it just means that the English weather is very changeable, coincidently, very much like the English people.
I'm sitting here smiling to myself. It's often amusing to hear the explanation of the meaning of sayings.
I remember pissing myself laughing at somebody trying to explain, 'Duppy know who fe frighten', to a very English, middle aged woman.
I digress...
Luckily, or unluckily, I've lived in England long enough, to stop myself from rushing back to the kitchen to put those sheets in the washing machine. Give it another half an hour and it's sure to be pissing down again!

Our summer seems to now be over. Not just because of the rain. Rain in this country doesn't mean fuck all, as anybody who watches Wimbledon will tell you.
The sun has taken on a sharpness that is almost painful to my eyes. The summer sun has a kind of protective haze to it, that I never tire of.
Winter sun however, has an intensity to it, that is not unlike the bright light of an interrogation room!
I'll take that over rain most days though.

Living in England, you do grow accustomed to the rain, to a point.
However, I've reached an age where it becomes tiresome to get soaked through again and again.

Then again, if I'd paid more attention at school, maybe I could afford to live in a hot country.

But hey, it could be worse

Martin Luther King JR

After the recent celebrations of the fiftieth anniversary of Martin Luther King JR's most famous speech, I've come to the conclusion that I find his voice a tad annoying.
He was a fine speaker and nobody would argue with his message (apart from the religious stuff, of course).
However, there's something about the timbre of his voice that grates on me.
His most famous speeches, the ones we all know, are great but I just couldn't take a whole sermon.
Just saying. That's all

Sunday, 26 May 2013

More moaning about speech

I might need to work on my blog titles. I don't think I'm exactly pulling in the crowds with my choices!

Another petty problem that I'm having lately, which I also may have moaned about previously, is ending sentences with an unnecessary flurry of words.
I'm guilty of this but not to the extreme rate that some others are.

Years ago a lot of people suffered with something that Frank Bruno made his own. It seemed like Big Frank couldn't finish a sentence without adding, 'Ya know what I mean?'
There are a lot of people who still enjoy using this but if you avoid people who spend most of their spare time hanging around outside Betting Shops, you should be relatively safe.

Our current youth have adjusted this Frankism to, 'Ya get me?' Equally pointless and equally annoying!

More recently, a lot of people, including myself, will finish a sentence and then add on, 'and stuff', 'or something', or the more annoying, 'and everything'.

In the words of every great stand-up comedian, 'What the fuck is that all about?!!!'

It's normally squeezed in, rapid-fire, so it's hard to pick up on.

I'm only aware of occasionally doing this myself. Each time I catch myself, I'm instantly pissed off.
So, if you hear me doing this, please laugh loudly in my face. It's obviously deserved.

Adamant part 2

Four months after posting "Adamant", I feel an urge to write a continuation, which speaks volumes of my thought processes.
In other words, I have another speech whine to get out of my system.

The problem that I have this morning is that I'm sure that I've moaned about this stuff before!
I've looked through old blogs and can't find anything on here, so can only think that I've not put my moans into blog form.

I listened to a lot of music when I was growing up. It was almost a constant in my life.
As a result, there are a lot of lyrics that have wedged a place in my psyche. So, when I hear a phrase that was part of a lyric that I've heard, it tends to trigger the next line of the lyric.

I know I'm not the only person to be inflicted with this.
I first became aware that I wasn't alone, as a young man.
My friend asked me what I was going to do.
I answered, "I haven't got a clue, what to do." Which I believe, is a line from 'Block Buster' by Sweet.
For any youngsters, it was a massive hit in the 1970's.
My friends laughed, so obviously didn't think, 'What the fuck is he talking about?'

This probably isn't something that crosses age barriers, because people tend to listen to music that is relevant to their age group. (Yes Lily, you are an exception!)

An example of this is, a lot of people who enjoyed music in the 1980's, can't hear somebody describe something as, 'Around the outside', without repeating the phrase twice. You can thank Buffalo Gals by Malcolm McClaren, if you're inflicted with this.

One of the more common examples for a similar age group, which reaches a point of annoyance that could've led to physical attacks on Paul Hardcastle, was his song, '19'.
You almost have to avoid using the number 19 in conversation.
If I was stupid enough to utter the number 19 to anybody of a similar age to myself, I'd automatically take a pause, to allow the other person to get the, 'na, nana, na, nanana...' out of their system.

As a big music lover, I've got hundreds of these things flooding through my mind, throughout most conversations. Which could be explain my concentration issues.

This has all been highlighted recently by the increase in a phrase in everyday chat.
People have recently started using the phrase, 'It seems to me', which forces my mind to complete the lyric.
I know this has only started recently because, Elton John's Candle in the Wind, is an old song.
'It seems to me, you live your life, like a ...' (Everybody!)
So, if you use that phrase, please take a pause, and allow me to mentally complete the lyric.
I'll catch up eventually.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Comic Relief

I had the misfortune of catching a couple of minutes of this years Comic Relief.

I know it's for a good cause and I'm not knocking the sentiment, or the cause.

However, it seems to have become a relief from comedy. (See what I did there?)

I think part of the problem is that now days, comedians are superstars, regardless of how funny they actually are.

'Comedian's' do a couple of panel shows and before you know it, they're selling out major venues.

There are only a handful of really good British comedians, yet there seems to be an endless tirade of wannabes who are making a good living out of being below average.

It's not just the new comedians who are on this gravy train.
It was upsetting, how unfunny Peter Kay was last night.

Michael McIntyre was clearly struggling without the benefit of a script.

Does Lenny Henry have some legal rights connecting him to the phrase 'Comic Relief'?
I honestly can't see any other reason for digging him up every year.
He's a likeable guy but funny?!
It's like we've slipped into the same problem that we had before Alternative Comedy.
Not that alternative comedy was the answer.
Unfortunately, I can't see a way out of it.
If enough people find Russell Howard funny, he'll stay in the business.

What kind of person spends good money, to spend an evening watching Andy Parsons?
I can only hope that the booking agents provide a thorough list of the names and addresses for the authorities.
Those people need to be under severe scrutiny.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013


I know it speaks volumes of me but I can't hear somebody use the word, adamant, without thinking of Adam Ant. (I know! I know!)

There have been times when a phone call has come through at work. A colleague said, 'There's a man on the phone for you, who wants to speak to you. He's adamant...'

It doesn't matter what the colleague says after that. All that's going through my head is, 'Adam Ant?'

Even if somebody uses the word, when they're talking to me directly, I lose track instantly!

'... and I want you to know that I'm adamant'

At which point, I'm thinking, 'You're Adam Ant?!'

I realise that it's very childish but I can't see myself growing up now!

Sunday, 13 January 2013


I've come to the conclusion that I'm quite unusual, when it comes to my television viewing.
There are several shows that I enjoy watching but there isn't one that would affect my mood, if I missed it.

I know people who record their favourite soap operas, so they can watch them at a time that they won't be disturbed, And if they are somehow disturbed, they can pause the playback!

I also know several people who enjoy reality TV and soap operas.
TV companies are aware of the popularity of both of these, so they schedule them, so they don't screen them at the same times.
This can result in the people who enjoy both being almost unavailable from 7pm until 10pm most weekday evenings.
This is a situation that amazes me but I'm beginning to think that I'm the one who's unusual.

I love Seinfeld, Cheers, Big Bang Theory, Burn Notice, Modern Family, Would I lie To You?, 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and to a lesser extent, NCIS but if I miss an episode, generally, I think I'll catch it another time, and if I don't, life will go on.

As a person who doesn't enjoy soap operas, the rotating plots seem to be based around an argument, a fight, an affair, a gay relationship (male and/or female), a marriage, a death, and a murder (often saved for Christmas). These things are held together with chit-chat, and depending n your choice of soap, bad jokes, or misery.

Reality TV 'stars' vein people, who are trying to become famous.

Celebrity Reality TV 'stars' minor celebrities, who are also vein but are either desperate for a bit more fame, or desperate for money.
Whatever the reason, they're not the kind of person that I can give a shit about. Therefore, I have no interest in anything they say, or do.

As I say, I appear to be the unusual one.
Please forgive me for not having an interested in what an ex Pussy Cat Doll says, or does, in  'junge' environment.
There must be something wrong with me

Monday, 7 January 2013

Miserable fucker

At the risk of turning this blog into a list of things I hate (Too late?)

I caught the end of yet another climate change show last week.
It never ceases to amaze me, how there seems to be an endless supply of money available to make these kind of doom and gloom shows.
It seems to be the modern equivalent of those people that used to walk around, wearing a sandwich board, shouting, "The end is nigh!"
I've not managed to watch anything that contained proof that we humans are causing the impending end of the World, yet we always seem to be getting the blame.
My own personal belief is that the earth's climate is changing but it's just a natural change. It will happen, despite any actions that humans take.

Dinosaurs are generally thought to have died out as a result of an ice age (climate change). I'm not sure if it was as a result of their excessive use of fossil fuels or their excessive use of 4 X 4 vehicles. Whichever one it is, we seem to be repeating their errors.

The late, great Sam Kinison said that whilst watching a show about a desert tribe who suffered starvation every year because of drought, he came up with a solution to the tribes suffering. "Don't fucking live there! MOVE!!!"
A bit crass maybe but not completely unreasonable.

And on that note, I've grown bored with this subject in mid composition!

Maybe I'll take another crack at it some other time.
Until then, live long and prosper.

Sunday, 6 January 2013


I hate pigeons.
The phrase, "rats with wings" completely sums them up, for me.
I don't know how true it is but I actually believe them to be disease, flea ridden creatures.
Despite this belief, I'm just like the majority of other men, and pretend to be indifferent to them.
It wasn't until I observed a man today, that I realised that it's not just be but most men.
Eight or nine pigeons startled (As they always fucking are!) by a bus, suddenly took off in the direction of this man. He tried his best to remain calm but when one of the pigeons got a little too close, he waved his arms around and ducked.
I could see that he was annoyed but I knew that, that (that, that, that...) was partially because he felt that he'd embarrassed himself over a stupid bird.
I've seen young women run screaming in similar situations, which seems to me to be the sensible reaction.
I don't believe we should all react like we're starring in the movie, 'The Birds' but there's an acceptable medium.
If you feel like you're almost being attacked by pigeons, feel free to wave your arms and make some noise, without fear of embarrassment.