Saturday, 18 August 2012

Homage to Jerry

I found a spider in my bath this morning.
I'm sure we've all experienced this at some point.
If you believe the stats that get thrown around, we all have about three hundred spiders crawling in and out of our mouths while we sleep.
The fact that I've found spiders trapped in baths a handful of times in my life makes me think that the spiders that do get trapped, aren't the spider equivalent of Mensa members.

"Hey, you hear what happened to Jerry?"
"No, what's he done now?"
"He got trapped in a bath!"
"I guess it was just a matter of time! Was it one of those that eventually gets a cloth hung over the side so he could escape?"
"No, he's dead!"
"Hey, it's a jungle out there"
"Only if you're too stupid to look where you're going. I'll never understand how these idiots manage to die like that. We've got the silk hanging out of our ass! What do they think it's for?"

So basically, if you find a spider in a bath remember, it's probably the spider equivalent of somebody who thinks it's a good idea to retrieve their trapped toast from a toaster, using a fork!

Flying Frigging Ants

Wrote this a few weeks back and just realised that I didn't publish it!
How could I deprive the World of this?!

When I was a kid, we used to get what we called, 'Flying Ant Day'.
I don't know if this is something that is experienced in other countries but it was basically one day every year when swarms of winged ants would take flight and aggravate the fuck out of everybody.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these flying ants are around ten times the size of 'normal' ants.

The reason I bring this up is because today was at least, the second flying ant day of the year.
I can only assume that the changing weather has affected the amount of times that these creatures decide to show themselves.

These poxy ants really don't deserve wings because they don't seem to be able to use them properly. They dive bomb into you as if they can't fucking see you!

I had the pleasure of riding home from work, on my bike this evening.
Forty minutes of these wanky creatures banging off of my head had me cursing all the way.
It's an experience being forced to keep my mouth shut and stopping occasionally to remove ants from my eyes!

What is the deal with this day!?
The only positive thing that I remember about flying ant day was that they made quite an audible pop when you trod on them.

Oh well, we're all Gods creatures!

Monday, 13 August 2012


I was riding my bicycle home this evening, when a young couple, without looking, stepped into the road, pushing their baby in a buggy in front of them.
I couldn't help thinking to myself, 'That's exactly how you two had that baby in the first place!'
If I'd crashed into that buggy and killed their baby, it still wouldn't be as big an accident as the two of them conceiving in the first place!

Sunday, 5 August 2012


Part of me admires the blind following of National flags during the Olympics.
It's admirable that people who generally have no interest in sport, get so enthusiastic about somebody they'd previously never heard of, winning.
However, it always seems strange to me that the competitor could spend the rest of their career in obscurity!

There's a similar experience with Wimbledon. Millions of people develop an incredible interest in tennis for a fortnight. They'll know the names and results of tennis players who they've never heard of. Yet as soon as that one particular tournament is over, they instantly lose interest.
With the Olympics, it's based purely around nationality.

I have a Facebook account that has pages and pages of minute by minute updates of every minutiae of the Games.
Unfortunately, I'm completely unpatriotic. Therefore, I'm unable to feign interest in something that doesn't interest me, in the name of Britain.
It never ceases to amaze me how Brits can be so interested in rowing, yachting, cycling, shooting and any other event that there's a slight chance that somebody who's born in the same country, has a chance of winning.
Who honestly gives a fuck who wins a shooting competition?! Apparently, all of Britain, if that winner is British!

I realise that it makes me sound like a miserable bastard but I really don't want to know somebody's opinion on a sport, unless they can name the top five players, or even a result prior to the Olympics in that particular sport.

Moan, moan, moan...