Sunday, 5 April 2015
Stand up bit
Are you all familiar with the phrase, ‘If I could live my life over…’, or ‘If I had the chance to live my life again…’? It’s usually followed with the ridiculous line, ‘I wouldn't change a thing’. We all must’ve heard somebody say this, or even said it yourselves, unless you’re under 25. In which case, you’re either too busy enjoying the life you’re living to worry about doing all over again, or your life is so horrible, you’re busy thinking of ways to end it all! It's ridiculous to say that you wouldn't change a thing, because EVERYBODY has regrets. Even if it's something small, you wouldn't put yourself through a negative experience, if you had the choice. I could list a hundred! Women might say it just to emphasise how much they hate a particular ex-boyfriend. Like, ‘If I could live my life over again, I never would’ve gone out with David.’ Or even a current partner. ‘If I could live my life again, YOU wouldn’t be in it!’ When men say it, they say it like it’s a possibility. We actually believe that we might get the option, one day. That’s why all the time travel movies are aimed, really at men. Men of a certain age could probably recite every word of Back to the Future. And let’s face it, Hot Tub Time Machine wasn’t made with women in mind. Nobody’s sitting in a production meeting for that movie, saying, ‘Women are gonna fucking LOVE this!’ If you could see a couple watching those movies. You'd see the man cracking up, and the woman would be looking at him, shaking her head. In fact, that would be one of the times when a woman would think, if I could get into that Hot Tub, I’d go back in time and find a man who liked movies made for f#cking grown ups! I’m not criticising anybody here. I’m as guilty as the next man. I love those movies! BUT, if I COULD go back in time, I’d change every fucking thing! I know all of my decisions would create all new mistakes, so I’d be back here moaning to you guys, and you’d be experiencing some kind of déjà vu feeling, thinking, I’m sure I’ve seen this miserable fucker moaning about this stuff before.